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- He: Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.

- She: Well, you succeeded!

They say that men only think about sex. That's not exactly true.

They also care a lot about power, world domination, money, and beer.

A man leaned toward an attractive woman at a bar and told her:

- Haven't I seen you somewhere before?

- Yes - she replied in a loud voice:

- I'm the receptionist at the V.D. clinic.

Single women claim that all the good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands.

This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.

A single man in his 40's often has a problem finding women at his level of maturity. That's why he dates someone half his age.

When He Says - He Really Means

• Do you have the time? - to go to bed
• Hello - Let's cut the talk and go have sex.
• How are you? - in bed, I mean.
• I'd like a discreet relationship. - I want sex, but I'm married.
• I'll be out of town for a few days. - I'll be spending time with with the wife.
• I'm a novelist. - I have 10 unpublished books.
• I'm coming off a long relationship. - My wife is divorcing me.
• I'm consulting. - I'm looking for a job.
• I'm divorced. - I just slipped off my wedding ring.

Man is like an automobile. As it gets older, the differential starts slipping, and the U-joints get worn, causing the drive shaft to go bad. The transmission won't go into high gear and sometimes has difficulty getting out of low. The cylinders get worn and lose compression, making it hard to climb the slightest incline.

When it is climbing, the tappets clatter and ping to the point where one wonders if the old bus will make it to the top. The carburetor gets fouled with pollutants and other matter, making it hard to get started in the morning.

It is hard to keep the radiator filled because of the leaking hose. The thermostat goes out, making it difficult to reach operating temperature. The…

How does a real man know whenever his girlfriend is having an orgasm?
→ A real man doesn't care.

Seems my latest Freudian slip came just as my wife arrived back from a week-long business trip in Toronto.

As she grabbed her luggage and headed off, she asked:

- Did you miss me?

I replied quite innocently:

- It's been so hard without you.

Ever notice how so many of women's problems can be traced to the male gender?

MENstruation, MENopause, MENtal breakdown, GUYnecology, HIMmorrhoids...

If you can't go down on them, you're not a good partner.

If you can go down on them, they are jeolous that someone taught you how.

If they pay for dinner, you are using them.

If you pay for dinner, you are trying to embarrass them.

If you make less money than them, you have to do all of the housework.

If you make more money than them, you are a ball-breaker and still have to do all of the housework.

If they want sex, they won't let you sleep.

If you want sex, they won't wake up.

If you choose an article of clothing that they don't like, you don't care about their taste. If you ask them for help in choosing an article of clothing they do like, they tell you to dress however you want.

From David Letterman - Tuesday, January 31, 1995
Top Ten Signs You're Not The Sexiest Man Alive

10. When people see you, they often ask, "Is it Halloween already?"
11. You appear in TV Guide crossword puzzle with the clue, "Siskel and ___"
12. The best term to describe you is "super hairy".
13. You parachuted into Super Bowl with a dog and a bag of pretzels.
14. Photos of you used as a birth-control device.
15. You take a stroll and the local zoo is flooded with calls about an escaped orangutan.
16. As you walk toward rack of Speedos, you hear clerks murmuring, "Oh God, no".
17. Your name is Tom Wilkins and you're seated in the 6th row of the Ed Sullivan Theater.

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
→ So men can remember them.
→ So men can understand them.

Why do men name their penises?
→ Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions!

What's the best thing to come out of a penis?
→ The wrinkles!

Did you hear that they are going to stop circumcising men?
→ They discovered they were throwing away the best part.

Why are some men uncircumcised?
→ The doctors were afraid of causing brain damage to the infant.

What's the dumbest part of a man's body?
→ His penis. It has a head without a brain, it swings with two nuts, and it lives right around the corner from an asshole.

Why don't women have any brains?
→ Because they don't have any testicles to put them in.

What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
→ Castrated.

Why are men endowed with a half ounce more brains than dogs?
→ So they know not to embarrass themselves by humping women's knees at parties.

Why don't men get hemorrhoids?
→ Because they are all perfect assholes!

Why do men snore?
→ When they fall asleep, their balls cover their assholes and they vapor lock.

What's the difference between government bonds and men?
→ Bonds mature.

How does an older woman keep her youth?
→ By giving him money!