Latest

- Patient: Doctor, I feel like a bridge.

- Doctor: What's comes over you?

- Patient: 2 trucks, 4 vans and 8 cars

What is the biggest oxymoron of the 1990's?
→ Microsoft Works!

Yo Mama is so fat that when she sleeps around the house, she sleeps AROUND the house.

Yo Mama is so fat and old, when God said "Let there be light" he immediately said to her "Get your fat ass out of the way."

A woman's three biggest lies...

1. You're the Biggest.
2. You're the Best.
3. It doesn't always taste like that.

A hooker was explaining her lifestyle to a girlfriend:

- I put on stocking on one leg. One stocking on the other leg, and between the two I make a living.

Why does Hellen Keller use one hand to masturbate?
→ Because she uses the other to moan.

How many polish people does it take to milk a cow?
→ 9, four to hold the legs, four to hold the udders, and one to tell them when to move the cow up and down.

Every once in a awhile, this couple would tell their 2 children, Scott (the older one) and Andrew that they were going to go upstairs for a bit (to do their little freaky thing).

One day Scott got curious to what they were doing up there, so the next time they said that they were going to go upstairs he very cautiously followed them.

He peeked in through the crack in the door and whispered:

- Hey Andrew, come look at this. Guess what the woman who told us never to suck our thumbs is sucking?!

There are three girls in the Fifth Grade. There is a blonde a brunette and a redhead.

Which one is the probably the smartest?
→ If you guessed the blonde you were correct.... she's 19 years old!

What is the difference between pink and purple?
→ The grip, man, its all in the grip!

Whats the difference between light and hard???
→ You can go to sleep with the light on!!!

Which day does a fish hate?
→ Fryday

So, the chicken and the egg were in bed, the chicken is sitting up, smoking a cigarette, and says "Well, I guess that answers THAT question!!!"

Where does a 200 ton elephant sit?
→ Anywhere he wants!

- Tree 1: Hey look, Mother Nature's coming!

- Tree 2: Look busy.

What does "WIFE" stand for?
→ Washing Ironing Food Entertainment

Questions to Ponder about Viagra

If a man overdoses on Viagra, how do they get the casket lid shut?

If the insurance companies are going to set guidelines before approving Viagra coverage, what are they going to use? A growth chart?

I dropped a Viagra in a jar of small sweet pickles last night and this morning had a jar full of big Kosher dills.

I would only take Viagra for intellectual purposes, so my head would swell.

Before Viagra, for some people, making love was classified as "assault with a dead weapon."

Viagra, medicine's version of "MIRACLE-GRO." Mix Viagra and Prozac and you have a guy who is ready to go, but doesn't really care where.

Are you taking Viagra or are you just happy to see me?

Why did the Priest wear underwear in the shower?
→ He didn't want to look down on the unemployed

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.

- I'm too young to die! - she wails.

Then she yells:

- well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable!

- I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane…

One day at the Ricki Lake Show, the topic was ghosts. Before the show, she asks the audience:

- Who here has ever sensed the presence of a ghost?

and 5 people raise their hand.

Then she asks:

- Who here has ever SEEN a ghost?

and 3 people raise their hand.

Then she asks:

- Okay, now who here has ever had sex with a ghost?

and 1 person, an old man raises his hand.

So she goes up to this old man and says:

Real Subtitles from Hong Kong Movies

1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
2. You with your thick face have hurt my instep.
3. Gun wounds again?
4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
5. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
6. Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!
7. Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.
8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
9. Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless, to say the helpdesk employee was fired: however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

Actual dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support Employee:

- Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?

- Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.

- What sort of trouble?

- Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.

- Went away?

- They disappeared.

- Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?

- Nothing.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Dear GOD, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? - Norma

Dear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now? - Jane

Dear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries? - Nan

Dear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? - Neil

Dear GOD, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. - Jane

Dear God, Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother! - Darla

Dear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. - Joyce