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A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man:

- This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill

The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing:

- What's so funny? - asks the clerk.

- I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house - the man replies.

The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says:

- Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off.

What is Bill Clinton's favorite web browser?
→ Microsoft Intern Exploiter

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
→ Because she has a frog in her throat at 69!

So ... the other day, my friends and I went to this "Ladies Night Club."

One of the girls wanted to impress us, so she pulls out a $10 bill.

The "dancer" came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and put it on his butt cheek.

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill and puts it on his other butt cheek. Still attempting to impress the rest of us, my other friend pulls out a $50 bill. She calls the guy back over again, licks the $50 bill and again puts it on one of his butt cheeks. Now the attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that?

I got out my wallet, thought for a minute ... and then the financial analyst in me…

An elderly man, 82, just returned from the doctor's only to find he didn't have long to live. So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate.

1. His Doctor
2. His Priest
3. His Lawyer

- Well, today I found out I don't have long to live. So I have summoned you three here, because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favor. Today, I am going to give each of you an envelope with $50,000 dollars inside. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money into my grave.

After the man passed on, the 3 people happened to run into each other. The doctor said:

- I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money, he owed me on…

A patient says to his doctor:

- Hey, Doc! I've been getting these migraines for a long time now! I can't think straight! I need help!

Doctor says to patient:

- You know what? I used to have the same problem, and whenever I do get migraines, I go home to my wife. She cooks me my favourite meal, rubs my toes, kiss my nipples and well (smiles sheepishly), you know what happens next!

... next day... patient says:

- Hey doc! Thanks for ur advice. It worked!

Doctor says:

- Oh really? That's good to hear!

Patient says:

- Oh by the way,

Two old guys, like 80 yrs. old, went to a whore house and told the woman at the door that they wanted the two most beautiful whores.

The woman was like, they're old, what are they gonna know. So she sticks them in the two darkest rooms with blow-up dolls.

After they were done, they were walking out of the whore house and old guy #1 says to old guy #2:

- How was your whore?

- She was horrible. She just laid there like she was dead. Well, how was your whore?

- She was a witch.

- What do you mean a witch?

- I bit her tit and she flew out the window!

Whales are mammals. Mammals have hair. SHAVE THE WHALES!

Two beggars are sitting on a park bench outside a church on a Sunday morning. They are both dressed in rags, each is holding a top hat, the one has a large cross around his neck and the other a large Star of David. After church, the congregants file out, each placing money in the hat belonging to the beggar with the cross while ignoring the beggar with the Star of David. Soon the hat of the beggar with the cross is overflowing with money while the other beggar's hat remains empty. A priest who has been watching this approaches the bench and says to the beggar with the Star of David around his neck:

- My son, surely you realize you are in a Christian country, in a Christian neighborhood, on a…

How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ 10.

- 1 to release a beta version

- 1 to complete the documentation

- 1 to test for hardware compatibility

- 1 to deny tech support

- 1 to configure the TCP/IP

- 1 to check for y2k compliance

- 1 to program the software to be compatible with the other software

- 1 to approve the invoice for the ladder

Why do Walruses go to Tupperware parties?
→ To find a tight Seal.

Help Wanted: Telepath.

You know where to apply.

Great Thinkers of Our Time?

If you could live forever, would you and why?
→ I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever. - Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

- Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff. - Mariah Carey

- Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but…

• Dung On MAI Shu - I stepped in excrement
• Ai Wan Tu Bang Yu - Let's sleep together
• Ai Bang Mai Ne - I bumped into the coffee table
• Fat Ho - An unattractive woman
• Ar U Wun Tu - A gay liberation greeting
• Chin Tu Fat - You need a face lift
• Chow Mai Dong - Romantic proposition
• Dum Gai - A stupid person
• Wel Hung Gai - Is that a banana in your pocket?
• Won Hung Low - Southern Chinese dialect for Wel Hung Gai

Ok there are two gay guys and two lesbians. They are on a race to LA.

Which of the two will get there first?
→ The Lesbians, because the gay guys are still getting their shit packed!

On a busy day, on a busy corner, there is a big accident in which there is a victim. The man who has been injured request for a priest.

The police officer on the scene turns around and ask if there is a priest in the crowd. Nobody answers. The man still cryes out:

- A priest, a priest please.

The officer once again turns around and ask if there is a priest in the crowd. Suddenly, an old jewish rabby comes up and say:

- Officer, I'm a old 70 years old Rabbi, but I've lived for 20 years behind St. Patrick church. Every night I hear them in their prayers. Maybe I can help.

So the officer bring the Rabbi to the dying man. The Rabbi kneels down and addresses these following words to the dying man:

There was this fish, and this fish was watching a fly, the fish wanted the fly to drop six inches so he could jump and eat it.

There was a bear on the shore, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump and the bear could swipe the fish for lunch.

There was a hunter in the woods, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump, the bear would swipe and the fish and come out into plain view.

There was a mouse eyeing the hunters sandwhich, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump, the bear would move into plain view, the hunter would shoot the bear then the hunter would go get the bear and the mouse could get the sandwhich.

What do you get when a duck and a cow cross the road?
→ Milk and Quackers

What will Bill Clinton be known for in history?
→ The president after Bush!

Mum caught little Johnny jerking his meat off one day.

She told him:

- Johnny dearest, good boys save it till they're 18.

Johnny did. And by 18, he had 11 jars full!

One day, Jimmy is walking home from school. When he gets home, he finds his grandpa sitting on the Porch without any pants on!

So he goes up to his grandpa and says:

- Grandpa, do you realize that you're not wearing any pants?

His grandpa replies:

- Yes Jimmy, I do.

Jimmy then says:

- Well, why are you outside without any pants on Grandpa?

His grandpa looks at Jimmy and responds:

- Well Jimmy, yesterday I sat outside without a shirt to long, and I got a stiff neck. This was your grandma's idea.

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men saying the following:

- Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Denna I come once-a more.

- You fowl-mouthed swine - retorted the lady indignantly.

- In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!

- Hey, coola down lady - said the man

- Imma justa tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi.

Grandpa is running around in the nursing home with his privates hanging out of his pants screaming:

- My penis just died, my penis just died!

The nurses calm him down, and he goes back to his room. The next day, grandpa is running around again with his privates hanging out, so the nurse asks him:

- I thought you said yesterday that your penis died. What happened?

Grandpa replies:

- Yes, it did... but today is the viewing!

Guy goes to the doctor to get the results of a health check.

- I've got good news and bad news, which do you want first?

- Good news first.

- OK, You got 24 hours to live

- Dang, whats the bad news!

- I shoulda' told you yesterday!

At a recent COMDEX, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:

- If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon.

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and…