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Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries?
→ They find bookkeeping too exciting.

What's an actuary?
→ An accountant without the sense of humour.

Why did God invent economists?
→ So accountants could have someone to laugh at.

When does a person decide to become an accountant?
→ When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

What's the definition of a good tax accountant?
→ Someone who has a loophole named after him.

What's the definition of an accountant?
→ Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
→ "What kind of answer did you have in mind?"
→ Two, one to change the light bulb and one to check that it was done within the given budget.

What is a Budget?
→ An orderly system for living beyond your means.

A young accountant spends a week at his new office with the retiring accountant he is replacing. Each and every morning as the more experienced accountant begins the day, he opens his desk drawer, takes out a worn envelope, removes a yellowing sheet of paper, reads it, nods his head, looks around the room with renewed vigor, returns the envelope to the drawer, and then begins his day's work.

After he retires, the new accountant can hardly wait to read for himself the message contained in the envelope in the drawer, particularly since he feels so inadequate in replacing the far wiser and more highly esteemed accountant. Surely, he thinks to himself, it must contain the great secret to his…

A business owner tells her friend that she is desperately searching for an accountant.

Her friend asks:

- Didn't your company hire an accountant a short while ago?

The business owner replies:

- That's the accountant I've been searching for.

A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one evening which read:

- Dear Wife, I am 54 years old, and by the time you get this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy eighteen year old secretary.

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows:

- Dear Husband, I too am 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Savoy Hotel with my eighteen year old toy boy. Because you are an accountant, you will surely appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.

If an accountant's wife cannot sleep, what does she say?
→ "Darling, could you tell me about your work."

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says:

- Want to hear an accountant joke?

The guy next to him replies:

- Well, before you tell that joke, you should know that I'm 6 feet tall, 200 pounds, and I'm an accountant. And the guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, 225 pounds, and he's an accountant. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?

The first guy says:

- No, I don't want to have to explain it two times.

Why accountants don't read novels?
→ Because the only numbers in them are page numbers.

If FedEx and Ups merged, would they call it Fed UP?

Why, if the best things in life are free, the next-best things are so expensive?

Why does an inspiring sight like a sunrise always have to take place at such an inconvenient time?

If we are a country committed to free speech, then why do we have phone bills?

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

Which of the Himalayas is the shortest?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn the radio down?

If necessity is the mother of invention, why does so much unnecessary stuff get invented?

If a word in a dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

Don't you just hate the blatant materialism surrounding Christmas? And aren't you just dying to know what you got?