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- Witch: Doctor, doctor, I don't feel well.

- Doctor: Don't worry, you'll just have to go to bed for a spell.

- Doctor, doctor, I keep dreaming there are great, gooey, bug-eyed monsters playing tiddley winks under my bed. What shall I do?

- Hide the tiddley winks.

- Doctor, doctor, I'm having difficulty sleeping.

- Doctor: Well maybe it's your bed.

- Oh, I'm all right at night, it's in the day I have problems.

- Monster: I'm so ugly.

- Ghost: It's not that bad!

- Monster: It is! When my grandfather was born they passed out cigars. When my father was born they just passed out cigarettes. When I was born they simply passed out.

- Last night I dreamt I was dancing with the most beautiful girl in the world

- What was I wearing?

- My boyfriend thinks I'm beautiful

- Well they do say that love is blind!

- Your ugly.

- And you're drunk.

- Yes, but in the morning I'll be sober!

- I don't think these photographs you've taken do me justice.

- You don't want justice - you want mercy!

What did the really ugly man do for a living?
→ He posed for Halloween masks!

I can't understand why people say my girlfriend's legs look like matchsticks. They do look like sticks - but they certainly don't match.

Two teenage boys were talking in the classroom. One said:

- I took my girlfriend to see 'The bride of Dracula' last night.

- Oh yeah - said the other.

- what was she like?

- Well she was about six foot six, white as a ghost and she had big red staring eyes and fangs.

The other said:

- Yes, but what was 'The Bride of Dracula' like?

- Beautician: Did that mud pack I gave you for your girlfriend improve her appearance?

- Man: It did for a while - then it fell off.

Julie had broken off her engagement. Her friend asked her what had happened.

- I thought it was love at first sight - said Julie.

- It was, but it was the second and third sights that changed my mind.

- Bill: My sister has lovely long red hair all down her back.

- Will: Pity it's not on her head.

She's the kind of girl that boys look at twice - they can't believe it the first time.

Did you hear about the girl monster who wasn't pretty and wasn't ugly?
→ She was pretty ugly

- Mary: Do you think my sister's pretty?

- Gary: Well, let's just say if you pulled her pigtail she'd probably say 'oink, oink'!

- Girlfriend: Will you love me when I'm old and fat and ugly?

- Boyfriend: Of course I do!

Little Johnny and his mother were on a train. Johnny leant over and started to whisper in his mother's ear.

- Johnny, how many times have I told you - said his mother, it's rude to whisper. If you have something to say, say it out loud.

- OK - said Johnny, why does the lady over there look like an ugly, haggard old witch?

A woman went to a sweet store to buy some sweets.
The boy behind the counter said:

- Gosh, your ugly aren't you?, I've never seen anyone so hideous as you before

- Young man - she replied. I didn't come here to be insulted

- Really - he said, Where do you usually go?

- My boyfriend says I look like a dishy Italian! - said Miss Conceited.

- Then he's right - said her little brother. Sophia Loren?

- No-spaghetti!

A little boy came running into the kitchen.

- Dad, dad - he said, there's a monster at the door with a really ugly face

- Tell him you've already got one - said his father!

What is yellow and goes click-click?
→ A ball-point banana.

- Witch: Will I lose my looks as I get older?

- Wizard: With luck, yes.

Did you hear about the witch who did a four year course in ugliness?
→ She finished it in two.

What happened when the witch went for a job as a TV presenter?
→ The producer said she had the perfect face for radio.