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What kind of robbery is not dangerous?
→ A safe robbery.

What is the difference between a thief and a church bell?
→ One steals from the people, the other peals, from the steeple.

What diploma do criminals get?
→ The third degree.

If you crossed a gangster and a garbage man, what would you have?
→ Organised grime (crime).

Who is the strongest thief?
→ A shoplifter.

What kind of thief steals meat?
→ A hamburglar.

What hired killer never goes to jail?
→ The exterminator.

How do bank robbers send messages?
→ By flee mail!

What did the burglar say to the lady who caught him stealing her silver?
→ I'm at your service, ma'am.

- It's a pity you've gone on hunger strike - said the convict's girlfriend on visiting day.

- Why?

- I've put a file in your cake.

A boy is in a prison cell with no windows and no doors: there are no holes in the ceiling or trapdoors in the floor, yet in the morning the jailers find him gone. How did he get out?
→ Through the doorway - there were no doors remember!

- Policeman: Did you know your vehicle was reported stolen?

- Criminal: It wasn't when I took it.

- Detective: Why did you dump those vegetables on my desk?

- Criminal: You said it was time to spill the beans.

- Detective: How did you get into counterfeiting?

- Criminal: I answered an ad that said, "Make money at home."

- Detective: Do you think I should put on the cuffs?

- Criminal: Why? You look good in short sleeves.

- Criminal: Why don't you hire these twins for the robbery, boss?

- Criminal Boss: I'm afraid of a double-cross.

- Victim (to mugger): But my watch isn't any good, it only has sentimental value.

- Mugger: That's all right. I'm sentimental.

Why was the robber so secure?
→ He was a safe robber.

A police officer was escorting a prisoner to jail when his hat blew off.

- Shall I run and get it for you? - asked the prisoner obligingly.

- You must think I'm daft - said the officer.

- You stand here and I'll get it.

"What makes you think the prisoner was drunk?" asked the judge. "Well, Your Honor," replied the arresting officer, "I saw him lift up a manhole cover and walk away with it, and when I asked him what it was for he said, 'I want to listen to it on my record-player!'"

- Judge: Tell me your occupation.

- Prisoner: I'm a locksmith, Your Honour.

- Judge: Then what were you doing in a jewellery shop in the middle of the night when the police saw you?

- Prisoner: Making a bolt for the door!

- I think I hear burglars, dear. Are you awake?

- No!

- Judge: You claim you robbed the grocery store because you were starving. So why didn't you take the food instead of the cash out of the till?

- Burglar: Your Honour! I'm a proud man, sir, and I make it a rule to pay for everything I eat.

- Judge: Why did you steal that bird?

- Prisoner: For a lark, sir.

What did the burglar say to the watchmaker as he tied him up?
→ Sorry to take so much of your valuable time.