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What did the blind blonde say as she was making love with her new boyfriend?
→ "Funny, you don't feel Jewish."

Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom?
→ So she can have a doggie bag for later.

Why do blondes always drink with straws?
→ Practice.

What's the ultimate embarrassment for a blonde?
→ When her ben-wa balls set off the airport metal detector.

Why did the blonde have a hysterectomy?
→ She wanted to stop having grandchildren.

Why did the blonde make love in the microwave?
→ She wanted to have a baby in 9 minutes.

What do you call 1,000 heavily armed lesbians?
→ Militia Etheridge

What did the leper say to the hooker?
→ Keep the tip.

Pinnochio had been getting complaints from his girlfriend:

- Every time we make love - she said.

- I get splinters.

So Pinocchio went back to his maker, Gipetto the carpenter, for advice:

- Sandpaper - said the carpenter.

- That's what you need.

So Pinocchio took some sheets of sandpaper and went home. A few weeks later the carpenter bumped into Pinocchio again:

- How are you getting on with the girls now? - he asked.

- Who needs girls? - said Pinocchio.

A woman went to the doctor and complained that she was suffering from knee pains:

- Do you indulge in any activity that puts a lot of pressure on your knees? - asked the doctor.

- Every night, my husband and I have sex on the floor doggy style.

- I see - said the doctor.

- You know, there are plenty of other sexual positions?

- Not if you want to watch TV there ain't!

A truck driver was going down a steep incline when, at the foot of the hill, he was able to make out a couple having sex in the middle of the road. Five times on his descent he sounded his horn, but they didn't move. He finally brought the truck to a halt inches from them. The truck driver got out and stormed:

- What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me? You could have been killed!

The man replied nonchalantly:

- Listen, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes.

A male market researcher was calling on homes on behalf of Vaseline. A woman answered the door:

- Do you use Vaseline? - asked the researcher.

- Certainly - she said.

- It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns.

- And what about anything else? - he asked.

- Like what?

He became embarrassed.

- Well, sex, maybe.

- Oh, of course - she said.

- I smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep my husband out.

A couple decided that the only way to have a quickie while their ten-year-old son was in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and let him give a running report on what was going on in the neighbourhood. So the boy stood on the balcony and reported on everything that was happening:

- A police car has just called at the Hamiltons' house, the Chandlers are taking delivery of a new wardrobe, and the Mitchell's are having sex.

Hearing this, the boy's parents shot bolt upright.

- How do you know the Mitchells are having sex?

- Because their kid is standing on the balcony too.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
→ Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

Whats the definition of love, true love, and showing off?
→ Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

Whats the difference between your wife and your job?
→ After 10 years, the job still sucks.

Whats the difference between a bitch and a whore?
→ A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you.

Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
→ She knows she's given her last blow job.

How is a woman like a condom?
→ Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

Why do hunters make the best lovers?
→ Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat what they shoot.

Whats the difference between premenstrual tension and BSE?
→ One's mad cow disease, the other's an agricultural problem.

Whats the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
→ Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
→ Slow down and use a lubricant.

What is the definition of 'making love'?
→ Something a woman does while a guy is f***ing her.

How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
→ Phone her.