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What did the judge say when a skunk entered the courtroom?
→ Odor, Odor in the court!!!

Before a burglary trial, the judge explained to the defendant:

- You can let me try your case, or you can choose to have a jury of your peers.

The man thought for a moment:

- What are peers? - he asked.

- They're people just like you — your equals.

- Forget it - retorted the defendant.

- I don't want to be tried by a bunch of thieves.

It seems that a lawyer had a little bit too much to drink and on his way home rear-ended the car in front of him.

The lawyer got out of his car, walked over to the driver of the other car and said:

- Boy, are you in trouble. I'm a lawyer!

The driver looked out his window and said:

- No, you're in trouble. I'm a judge.

A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true.

- I'm as sober as you are, your honor - the man claimed.

The judge replied:

- Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days.

When is an English teacher like a judge?
→ When she hands out long sentences.

Who is the most powerful ghoul?
→ Judge Dread.

At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge.
The judge said:

- State your name, occupation, and the charge.

The defendant said:

- I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician, charged with battery.

The judge winced and said:

- Bailiff! Put this man in a dry cell!

A lawyer passed on and found himself in Heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations.
He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment. The lawyer immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard. The lawyer protested that a three-year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears.
The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the lawyer was willing to change venue to Hell. The lawyer asked:

- Why can appeals be heard so much sooner in Hell?

- Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?

- Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.

- Judge: Can't they do without you at work?

- Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.

- Judge: And where was the location of the accident?

- Witness: Approximately milepost 499.

- Judge: And where is milepost 499?

- Witness: About halfway between milepost 498 and milepost 500.

Mr. Schneider stood up in court:

- As God is my judge, I do not owe my ex-wife any money.

Glaring down at him, the judge replied:

- He's not. I am. You do.

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."

How many judges does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Just one; he holds it still and the whole world revolves around him.
→ Just one, but two lawyers have to explain him how to do it.

Jury: Twelve men and women trying to decide which party has the best lawyer.

Justice: A decision in your favor.

- Judge: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

- Doctor: All my autopsies are on dead people.

- Judge: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?

- Witness: She is my daughter.

- Judge: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

- Judge: You stated that the stairs went down to the basement, is that correct?

- Witness: Yes.

- Judge: And these same stairs, did the also go up?

- Judge: Your first marriage was terminated by death?

- Witness: Yes, by death.

- Judge: And by whose death was it terminated?

- Judge: Are you married?

- Witness: No, I'm divorced.

- Judge: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?

- Witness: A lot of things I didn't know about.

- Judge: All your responses to the questions must be oral. Do you understand?

- Witness: Yes

- Judge: What school did you attend in the fall of 1995?

- Witness: Oral.

- Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?

- Defendant: No, I did not.

- Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?

- Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder.

A prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman, to the stand. He approached her and asked:

- Mrs. Jones, do you know me?

She responded:

- Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked:

- Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?

A young woman was appearing in court to face a public disorder charge. The charges were read out, and she was asked how she pleaded.

- Not guilty - the woman answered emphatically.

The prosecution council then approached the woman and said:

- Is it true that on the 11th of December, last year, you committed an act of gross indecency with a one-legged dwarf - who was waving a union jack - on the roof of a car, whilst travelling at over 100mph through the center of London, in a blizzard?

The woman composed herself, looked straight at the prosecution council and calmly said:

- What was the date again?

People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either being made.

- Judge: Is it true that you owe your neighbor a thousand dollars?

- Defendant: Yes, it's true.

- Judge: Then, why don't you just pay him back?

- Defendant: Because it wouldn't be true anymore.