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Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working?
→ Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.

What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
→ You cry when you cut up an onion.

In the construction field, it is often noted that lawyers make the worst clients. However, a couple of years ago I met an old carpenter that said lawyers were always his favorite clients!

When I asked him why he got so much pleasure out of having lawyers as clients he replied, "I only build coffins now."

If you laid all the lawyers in the world head to foot around the Equator, then...
Hey, come to think of it, that's not a bad idea.

If I had but one life to give for my country, it would be a lawyer's.

If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, how many orchards does it take for a lawyer?

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
→ Never enough.

How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine?
→ Only one if you run him through slowly!

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
→ Cut the rope.

Have you seen the current remake of the movie "Cape Fear"? It's about a deranged psychotic who is seeking revenge against a lawyer. The question is, while watching the movie, whom do you root for?

- First person: Do you know how to save five lawyers who are drowning?

- Second person: No.

- First person: Good!

Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers? People were confused about which side to spit on.

Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titantic.

A convicted con man was recently found to be impersonating a lawyer in New York City. To which one judge remarked, "I should have suspected he wasn't a lawyer. He was always so punctual and polite."

"Excuse me," a young fellow said to an older librarian, "I've just moved here and I wonder if this town has any criminal lawyers."

"Well," replied the librarian, "I have lived here all my life and all I can tell you is we are pretty sure we do, but no one has been able to prove it yet."

A persistent job-seeker once appeared before President Lincoln and demanded an appointment to a judgeship. He was informed that there were no vacancies. The next day, while walking along the river, he saw a drowned man being pulled out, and recognized him as a federal judge.

He ran back to the White House and demanded the position. "Sorry," said the President, "but the lawyer who saw that judge fall in beat you here by a good five minutes."

A woman was being questioned in a court trial involving slander. "Please repeat the slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you heard them," instructed the lawyer.

The witness hesitated. "But they are unfit for any respectable person to hear," she protested.

"Then," said the attorney, "just whisper them to the judge."

The first lawyer questioning a panel of prospective jurors began right off as an intimidating showman. When he came to his question, "Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?" they stiffened and hesitated.

Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, "I do."

What do you call an honest lawyer?
→ An oxymoron.

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage. There's no sign of the offending vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield wiper.

"Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I'm not."

A person is in the hospital and asked his doctor how much time does he have left to live. The doctor did not want to lie so he told him that he wouldn't make it through the night. So the person calls for his lawyer and asks him to come and sit by his bed. Right before the person dies, the lawyer asks him why did he want him next to him. The dying person replied,

"When Jesus died, he had a thief next to him and I want to go the same way."

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

A tough case was being argued in court. The defense attorney, feeling that he was in trouble, sent the judge a bottle of hundred-year old brandy. The defendant was fit to be tied.

"The judge'll kill me. Trying to bribe him! We're dead!"

"I don't think so," his attorney told him. "I sent it in the other lawyer's name!"

A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car is total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?"

"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer".

"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"

"Well, I had to chase him all through the park."