Latest

How does a ghost start a letter?
→ Tomb it may concern.

What's a zombie say when he gets a letter from his girlfriend?
→ It's a dead letter day.

What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
→ Fang mail.

Why did the young witch have such difficulty writing letters?
→ She had never learned to spell properly.

What's the definition of a school report?
→ A poison pen letter from the principal.

What do snakes write on the bottom of their letters?
→ With love and hisses.

Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
→ From chasing parked ambulances.

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
→ It might be your bicycle.

"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to her lawyer, after he had solved her legal troubles.
"My dear woman," lawyer replied, "Ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that easy question."

A judge in a small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4:30 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom.

The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone…

At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another:
"Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?"

"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"
"Well, for four very good reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, third there are some things even a rat won't do, and fourth sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings."

A Frenchman, an Englishman, an American man, and a lawyer were sitting on a train.

The Frenchman offered everyone some of his baguette, then threw it out the window, saying, "Don't worry - we have plenty of those where I come from."

The Englishman offered everyone a crumpet, then threw the rest out of the window, saying, "Don't worry - we have plenty of those where I come from."

Then the American threw the lawyer out the window, saying...

Where is the best place to hide a lawyer?
→ In a brief case.

What kind of clothes do lawyers wear?
→ Lawsuits.

Why didn't Cupid shoot his arrow at the lawyer's heart?
→ Because even Cupid can't hit a target that small!

A doctor was vacationing at the seashore with his family. Suddenly, he spotted a fin sticking up in the water and fainted.

"Darling, it was just a shark," said his wife when he came to.
"You've got to stop imagining that there are lawyers everywhere."

Why don't lawyers enjoy playing golf?
→ Because it's too much like work, what with all of the lying involved.

What do lawyers do after they die?
→ They lie still.

- Lawyer: Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?

- Client: After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I'm beginning to think I didn't.

- Lawyer: Let me give you my honest opinion.

- Client: No, no. I'm paying for professional advice.

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ None, they'd rather keep their clients in the dark.

How can you tell a lawyer is lying?
→ Other lawyers look interested.

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
→ You shoot the lawyer. Twice.

Why is it that New Jersey got all the toxic waste dumps and California got all the lawyers?
→ New Jersey had first choice.

Why is it that if you give a child an encyclopedia, "lawyer" is always the third thing they look up?
→ Because the first thing a child looks up is "dog." The second is "snake." And under snake, the encyclopedia says "See Lawyer."