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Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing.
"Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."
"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.

Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"

"Absolutely not," he said.
"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."
"Season's more than half over," he said.

A wealthy man sat in his attorney's office.
"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked.
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" the man asked incredulously.
"I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"It's of you and your mistress."

For their 25th wedding anniversary, a man decides to take his wife on a trip to France. After two weeks touring France, they return to the airport for the trip back to America.
While waiting for the plane, the wife turns to her husband and says, "This was the most wonderful gift I could have asked for on our 25th anniversary. I can't wait to hear what you have in mind for our 50th anniversary!" Her husband leaned over, kissed her on the cheek, and said, "I'm going to come back and get you"

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

On his way out of church, Frank stopped at the door to speak to the minister. "Would it be right," he asked, "for a person to profit from the mistakes of another?"

"Absolutely not!" replied the pastor.
"In that case," said the young man, "I wonder if you'd consider returning the hundred dollars I paid you to marry my wife and me last July."

A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was wrong.
"Nothing," said the woman.
Not buying it, he asked again. "Seriously, what's wrong?"
"Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's Day, you don't even tell me so much as "Thank you."
"Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father's Day gift."
"Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."

"Will the father be present during the birth?" asked the obstetrician.
"Nah," replied the mother-to-be, "He and my husband don't get along."

A child at a Christian school was studying the early days of Mormonism in his class. He wrote on his paper, "The early Mormons believed in having more than one wife. This is called polygamy. But we believe in having only one wife. This is called monotony"

A woman entered the hospital to deliver her 15th child. "Congratulations," said the nurse, "but don't you think this is enough?" The woman replied, "Are you kidding? This is the only vacation I get each year."

"I was in a very generous mood today," a woman says to her friend.
"I gave a poor beggar $25."
"Thats a lot of money to give away," says her friend. "What did your husband say?"
"He said, 'Thank you'."

How do you turn a Fox into a Pit Bull?
→ Marry her!

An English professor wrote the words, "woman without her man is a savage" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is a savage."

The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is a savage."

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, "It really works!"

- Novice: Do clever men make good husbands?

- Sage: Clever men don't BECOME husbands!

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

- Moe: My wife converted me to religion.

- Joe: Really?

- Moe: Yes. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell.

The couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar. "Elliot," she said, pointing "do you see that man downing bourbon at the bar?"
The husband looked over and nodded. "Well," the woman continued, "he's been drinking like that for 10 years, ever since I jilted him!"
The husband returned to his meal. "Nonsense," he said, "even that's not worth so much celebrating!"

Night. A sleeping couple is lying in a bed. Door bell rings. A couple wakes up.

- Woman: Quick! My husband is back!

Man jumps out from a window. Flying down he starts to think: "Shit! But I am the husband!"

- Wife: Who was that on the phone?

- Husband: Wrong number. Some guy thought this was the weather bureau.

- Wife: What did he say?

- Husband: He asked if the coast was clear...

A woman and her lover are on the bed in the woman's home, when all of a sudden, they hear the front door open and close.
"Oh, no, it's my husband!"
The man says, "Where's your back door?"
"We don't have a back door" says the woman.
The man then asks, "Well, where do you want a back door?"

A woman got a problem with her closet door - it was felling every time a bus was passing by. So she called a repair man. The repairman comes and sees that indeed, the door falls out every time when a bus passes by.
"OK, I am gonna see what is going on, just close the door behind me" and he stepps into the closet. At that time the husband comes from work, opens the closet and finds the repairman.

- Husband: What the hell are you doing here!

- Repairman: Well, you are not going to believe it, but I am waiting for a bus!

Miles Dobson was away from home on business in another city. When he called home, his wife told him, "Miles, they had your name in the obits today."
"What! In the obituary column! That's not only disgraceful but bad journalism. I'll sue 'em."
"Tell me, Miles," his wife asked tremulously, "wh...wh...where are you calling from?"

A young lady came home and told her Mother that her boyfriend had proposed but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didn't believe in Heaven or Hell.
"Marry him anyway, dear." the Mother said. "Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is."

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles."
"She did," he replied. "But where in the hell was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"

The young immigrant couple had just left the courthouse after being sworn in as American citizens.
"It is wonderful," the husband exclaimed. "We are American citizens at last! Do you know what this means to us my dear wife?"
"Yes, you male chauvinist pig," his wife replied. "Tonight, you cook dinner!"