Latest

There were 11 people hanging on to a single rope that suspended them from a helicopter trying to bring them to safety. Ten were men; one was a woman.

They all decided that one person would have to let go because if they didn't, the rope would break and all of them would die.

No one could decide who it should be. Finally the woman gave a really touching speech, saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving things up for their husbands and children and giving in to men.

All of the men started clapping.

A husband was trying to prove to his wife that women talk more than men.

He showed her a study which indicated that men use about 10,000 words per day, whereas women use 20,000 words per day.

His wife thought about this for a while. She then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.

Her husband looked stunned. He said "What?"

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
→ Because a woman who can't afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
→ None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Men are like mini skirts.

If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

Men are like curling irons.

They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Men are like high heels.

They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like bank accounts.

Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like lava lamps.

Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like copiers.

You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

When Mr. Maxwell's wife left him he couldn't sleep.
"She took the bed!"

Marriage is nature's way of preventing people from fighting with strangers.

Two ladies were hanging out together and one was depressed.

- What's wrong?

The depressed one replied, "I've been married four times and everyone of my husbands has passed away."
The other lady asked, "What did they used to do?"
The depressed lady replied, "Well, my first husband was a millionaire, the second was a magician, the third was an evangelist, and the fourth was a mortician."
And the other said, "Oh, one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

Do you know what is honeymoon?
→ A short period of doting between dating and debting.

Why should a honeymoon only be six days?
→ Because seven days makes a whole week.

What is honeymoon?
→ That brief span of time between, "I do" and "You'd better!"

My wife sez that I'm too extravagant; that if anything ever happens to her, I'll have to beg. I told her I'd be fine. I mean look at all the experience I've got.

A woman decided to have her portrait painted.
She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant."
"But you are not wearing any of those things."
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go nuts looking for the jewelry."

"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Brian told his best friend Mike.
"Why not add some intrigue to your life, and have an affair?" his friend suggested.

"But what if my wife finds out?"

"Heck, we are almost on the begining of the 21st centrury, Brian. Go ahead and tell her about it!"

So Brian went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together."

"Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that many times - it never worked."

Wife, opening mail, to spouse: "The bank says that this is our last notice. Isn't it wonderful that they're not going to bother us anymore?"

The wedding was over, and the reception was in full swing. Dave an usher, was having a great time with other members of the wedding party. His wife, Betty was not.
"Don't be to mad at Dave," a friend told her. "He did a terrific job. I'd be glad to have him usher at my wedding."
"Yeah," Betty replied, "I wish he had been an usher at mine."

The groom, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've found a woman just like mother!" His father replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

- John: I'm a man of few words.

- Bill: I'm married, too.

What do you call two spiders who just got married?
→ Newlywebs.