Women Jokes

Women's English:

• Yes = No
• No = Yes
• Maybe = No
• I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
• We need = I want
• It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
• Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
• We need to talk = I need to complain.
• Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.
• I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
• You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
• You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
• Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
• This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
• I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...
• Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
• I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
• Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
• How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
• I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
• Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
• You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
• Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
• Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he falls asleep.
• I'm not yelling! = Yes, I am yelling because I think this is Important.
• The same old thing = Nothing
• Nothing = Everything
• Everything = My PMS is acting up.
• Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole.

Men's English:

• "I'm hungry" = I'm hungry.
• "I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy.
• "I'm tired" = I'm tired.
• "Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
• "Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
• "Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
• "May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
• "Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
• "You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.
• "What's wrong?" = I don't see why your making such a big deal about this.
• "What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
• "What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
• "I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?
• "I love you." = Let's have sex now.
• "I love you, too." = Okay, I said it... we'd better have sex now!
• "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.
• "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
• "Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
• "Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
• (while shopping) "I like that one better." = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
• "I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together." = I am gay.

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of idiot to forget to eat!

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "listen witch... do it and die!"

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?"

• You know a man's lying if his lips are moving.
• Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
• So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
• Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.
• Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be let out alone.
• Never sleep with a man who's named his willy.
• Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway
• A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.
• Men are all the same - they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
• Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
• Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
• If you wanted a committed man look in a mental hospital.
• If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.
• Boring men are like snot - they get up your nose.
• Always wear high heels, it makes it easier to look down on him.
• If he asks you if your faking it tell him no, your just practicing.
• Sadly, all men are created equal.
• There are a lot of words that you can use to describe men - strong, caring,loving - they'd be wrong - but you could still use them.

Why Coffee Is Better Than Women:

• Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have some.
• You won't get arrested for trying to buy coffee at 3 AM.
• Coffee never runs out.
• No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.
• You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.
• When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.
• Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.
• Coffee can be ready in 15 minutes or less.
• White men can take black coffee home to their parents.
• Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream on it.
• You can always heat up coffee.
• Coffee smells and looks good in the morning.
• If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight.
• Two words; INSTANT COFFEE !

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands....

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

"You're running around with other women," she told her mate.

"Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve!

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out.

She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, "Is this guy blind or what?" "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?" "But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman.

"I didn't even touch you," growls the sheriff. "Yes, that's true ... but you have all the equipment ..."

Moral: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read!

A visitor, returning to Kuwait for the first time since the Gulf War, was impressed by a sociological change. On previous visits she noted that women customarily walked about 5 paces behind their husbands.

She observed that the men now walked over 20 paces BEHIND their wives!

She approached one of the women for an explanation: "What enabled women here to achieve this marvellous reversal of roles?"

"Land mines," replied the Kuwaiti woman.

• Guys have feelings too. But, like, who cares?
• I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
• Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
• I hate everybody, and you're next.
• Please don't make me kill you.
• I used to be schizophrenic, but we're okay now.
• I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
• Warning: I have an attitude, and I know how to use it.
• Remember my name -- you'll be screaming it later.
• You KNOW you want me.
• Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time.
• Of course I don't look busy - I did it right the first time!
• Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
• I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
• You, me, whipped cream, handcuffs. Any questions?
• You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
• All stressed out and no one to choke.
• I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
• How can I miss you if you won't go away?
• Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
• If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
• Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear.
• I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun.

The minister was presenting his Sunday morning service to the congregation. He stated that everything that mankind had experienced or would ever experience was discussed or mentioned in the Bible.

After the sermon, he was shaking hands with the congregation as they filed out of the church. A woman came up to the minister and said, "Preacher, I heard your message today and I really believe that what you said is true. However in my readings of the Scripture, I have never seen any mention of PMS."

The minister scratched his head....thought for a moment and said, "Well sister just off the top of my head I cannot think of a passage but I'm sure that it exists. See me after next week's service and I will give you an answer."

The next Sunday as the preacher was again shaking the hands of the leaving congregation the woman again came up to him and asked if he had in fact gotten her an answer.

The preacher said, "Yes my dear, that passage does in fact exist." She said, "Well please tell me where PMS is mentioned in the Bible. I've read it many, many times and I have never seen it mentioned at all."

Preacher says, "Its right in the book of Matthew." She said, "No way, I've read that several times and its not mentioned at all!"

He said, "It certaintly is, if you remember in the Christmas story, it states very specifically...that Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem!"

1. Bicycles don't pregnant.
2. You can ride your bicycle any time of the month.
3. Bicycles don't have parents.
4. Bicycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
5. You can share your bicycles with your friends.
6. Bicycles don't care how many other bicycles you've ridden.
7. When riding, you and your bicycle can arrive at the same time.
8. Bicycles don't care how many other bicycles you have now.
9. Bicycles don't care if you look at other bicycles.
10. Bicycles don't care if you buy bicycle magazines.
11. You'll never hear, "Suprise, you're goning to own a new bicycle" unless you go out and buy one yourself.
12. If your bicycle goes flat, you can fix it.
13. If your bicycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
14. If your bicycle gets misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics with it.
15. You can have a black bicycle and bring it home to your parents.
16. You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your bicycle.
17. If you say bad things to your bicycle, you don't have to apologize before you ride it again.
18. You can ride your bicycle as long as you want and it wont get sore.
19. You can stop riding your bicycle as soon as you want and it wont get frustrated.
20. Your parents wont remain in touch with your old bicycle after you dump it.
21. Bicycles don't get headaches.
22. Bicycles don't insult you if you're a bad rider.
23. Your bicyle never wants a night out with other bicycles.
24. Bicycles don't care if you're late.
25. You don't have to take a shower before you ride your bicycle.
26. If your bicycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
27. You can ride your bicycle the first time you meet it without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.
28. The only protection you need to wear when riding your bicycle is a decent helment.
29. When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you had the last time you were on your bicycle.