Women Jokes

Random joke from this category

Men And Women Compared

NICKNAMES: If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.

But if Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out for a beer, they will affectionately refer to each other as LardAss, Butt-Breath, Peanut-Head and Useless.

EATING OUT: When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

BATHROOMS: A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument!

DRESSING UP: A man will dress up for weddings, funerals. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.

LOOKS: Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. ( I invite any woman to prove me wrong! :)

God Created Woman

And God Created Woman. And She was Good. She had 2 arms, 2 legs and 3 breasts.

And God asked the woman what she would like to have changed about herself. She asked for her middle breast to be removed. And it was good.

She stood with her third breast in her hand and asked God what should be done with the useless boob? And God created Man!

Dr. Chang's Diagnosis

There was this woman who was desperate to meet a companion.

She went to single bars, singles dances etc., but she could never meet anyone who would go on a date with her, much less sleep with her. So in her desperation she went to see a sex doctor, named Dr. Chang.

She asked Dr. Chang, "Doctor, please help me find out what's wrong with me!"

So Dr. Chang said, "Take off all yu cwothes." So she did. Then he said, "Now, get on yu hands and knees and crawl weal fas away frum me, den craw weal fas back to me." So the young lady did.

Dr. Chang looked at her said, "I know what wong with yu... Yu got weal bad case of Zachary disease!"

The lady asked, "What the heck is that?!"

Dr. Chang replied, "Dat's wen yu face lok zachary like yur butt!"

College Courses for Men

New College Courses for Men as Prepared by Women:

  1. Combating Stupidity
  2. You, Too, Can Do Housework
  3. PMS: Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
  4. How to Fill an Ice Tray
  5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas: Give us Money
  6. Understanding the Female Response to Your Coming in Drunk at 4:00am
  7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly titled "Don't Wash my Silks")
  8. Parenting: No, It Doesn't End With Conception
  9. Get a Life: Learn to Cook
  10. How Not to Act Like an Asshole When You're Obviously Wrong
  11. Spelling: Even You Can Get it Right
  12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
  13. You: The Weaker Sex
  14. Reasons to Give Flowers
  15. How to Stay Awake After Sex
  16. Why it is Unacceptable to Relieve Yourself Anywhere but the Bathroom
  17. Garbage: Getting it to the Curb
  18. You Can Fall Asleep Without IT if You Really Try
  19. The Morning Dilemma if IT's awake: Take a Shower
  20. I'll Wear it if I Damn Well Please
  21. How to Put the Toilet Lid Down (formerly titled "No, It's Not a Bidet")
  22. "The Weekend" and "Sports" are Not Synonyms
  23. Give Me a Break: Why We Know Your Excuses are Bullshit
  24. How to Go Shopping with Your Mate and Not Get Lost
  25. The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
  26. Romanticism: Ideas Other Than Sex
  27. Helpful Postural Hints for Couch Potatoes
  28. Mother-in-Laws: They are People Too
  29. Male Bonding: Leaving Your Friends at Home
  30. You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
  31. Seeing the True You (formerly titled "No, You Don't Look Like Brad Pitt When Naked")
  32. Changing Your Underwear: It Really Works
  33. The Attainable Goal: Omitting TITS From Your Vocabulary
  34. Fluffing the Blankets After Flatulating is Not Necessary
  35. Techniques of Calling Home
  36. Introductory Foreplay: The Drive Home Does Not Count.

The Perfect Woman

A man is eating in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous blond eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air.

"Oh my god, I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invites him back to her place for a drink. They go back to her HOUSE, and after a bit she leads him into the bedroom and begins Undressing him.

The couple have wild passionate sex over and over all night. The next morning when he awakens, she has already gotten up and brings him breakfast in bed. The guy is amazed.

"You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies.... "You just happened to catch my eye." (hee-hee, hoo-hoo, that was terrible!)

His and Hers Definitions

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes look bigger.
male: what you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything that can be done while drinking

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2&1/2 min.

Women's T-Shirt Sayings

  • I'm out of estrogen. I have a gun.
  • Guys have feelings, too. But like... who cares?
  • I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
  • Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
  • I hate everybody, and you're next.
  • Please don't make me kill you.
  • And your point is ...
  • I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
  • I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
  • Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
  • Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.
  • You KNOW you want me.
  • Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time.
  • Of course I don't look busy. I did it right the first time.
  • Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
  • I'm multitalented: I can talk and annoy you at the same time.
  • Do NOT start with me. You won't win.
  • You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
  • All stressed out and no one to choke.
  • I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
  • How can I miss you if you won't go away?
  • Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
  • If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
  • Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear.
  • Don't make me mad. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
  • Objects Under This Shirt ARE Larger Than They Appear.

Scooby Dooby Doobies

A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements.

He tells her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your breasts and say, 'Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies.'" She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked! She grew great boobs!

One morning she was running late and she was on the bus when she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

At this point she loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up right in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies!"

A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"

"Why, yes, I do. How did you know?"

"Hickory dickory dock!"

Women Bashing

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

How many men does it take to change a light bulb? None. Let the wife cook in the dark.

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!" Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.

Why do men like air-headed women? Opposites attract.

If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

Most accidents happen at home. And the men have to eat them!

How do you blind a woman? Put a windshield in front of her face.

How many men does it take to mop a floor? None. It's a woman's job.

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Don't be sexist. Broads hate that!

Why can't Helen Keller drive? She's a woman!

How many women does it take to paint a wall? It depends on how hard you throw them.

Why did the woman cross the road? Who cares! What was she doing out of the kitchen or the bedroom ???

What do you do if your dishwasher stops working? Marry a new one !!

How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't...there's a clock on the oven!