Sport Jokes

Heard about the Polish hockey team?

They all drowned in spring training.

Hear what the Poles did with all their gold medals?

Went home and got them bronzed.

Calories can be burned by the hundreds by engaging in strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise.

Exercise - Calories burned per hour

• Beating around the bush - 75
• Jumping to conclusions - 100
• Climbing the walls - 150
• Swallowing your pride - 50
• Passing the buck - 25
• Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight) - 50-300
• Dragging your heels - 100
• Pushing your luck - 250
• Making mountains out of molehills - 500
• Hitting the nail on the head - 50
• Wading through paperwork - 300
• Bending over backwards - 75
• Jumping on the bandwagon - 200
• Balancing the books - 25
• Running around in circles - 350
• Eating crow - 225
• Tooting your own horn - 25
• Climbing the ladder of success - 750
• Pulling out the stops - 75
• Adding fuel to the fire - 160
• Wrapping it up at the day's end - 12

To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:

• Opening a can of worms - 50
• Putting your foot in your mouth - 300
• Starting the ball rolling - 90
• Going over the edge - 25
• Picking up the pieces after - 350

A BILL TO REGULATE THE HUNTING AND HARVESTING OF ATTORNEYS

372.01 - Any person with a valid California state rodent or deer hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sporting (non-commercial) purposes.

372.02 - Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of United States currency as bait is, however, prohibited.

372.03 - The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside and the vehicle should proceed to the nearest car wash.

372.04 - It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or fixed-wing aircraft.

372.05 - It is unlawful to shout "Whiplash!", "Ambulance!", or "Free Scotch!" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

372.06 - It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within one hundred (100) yards of BMW, Porsche, or Mercedes dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoons.

372.07 - It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within two hundred (200) yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs or hospitals. No fair, that's their stompin' grounds!

372.08 - If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess same.

372.09 - It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

372.10 - Bag Limits Per Day

• Yellow Bellied Sidewinders - 2
• Two-faced Tortfeasors - 1
• Back-stabbing Divorce Litigators - 3
• Horn Rimmed Cut-throats - 2
• Honest Attorneys (ENDANGERED SPECIES)

In Canada we have two Seasons...six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling.

What's the smart thing to do if a Dallas Cowgirl touches you?
→ Touchback.

A preacher who wanted to raise money for his church was told there was a fortune in horse racing, so he decided to buy a horse and enter it in a race. However, at the local auction the going price for horses was so steep that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured, however, that since he had it he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, in the first race his mule came in second. The next day the racing sheets carried this headline:

PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS

The preacher was so pleased that he entered the mule in another race. This time it won and the paper said:

PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The new headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS

This was too much for the bishop and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the animal. The preacher gave it to a nun in a nearby convent. The headline the next day said:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted. He told the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey and she finally found a farmer who would take it off her hands for $10.00. The paper said:

NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS...

They buried the bishop the next day.

Name a clock, a jock and a crock.
→ Big Ben, Joe Nameth and the candidates' campaign promises.

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Al Davis had put together the perfect Raiders team for '96. The only Thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, and he couldn't find a ringer quarterback that would ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. First, he threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window over 200 yards away --ka-boom! Next, he threw another hand grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away--ka-blooey!

Then, a car passes going 90 miles an hour-- bulls-eye! Another grenade right into the barely open window.

"I've got to get this guy," Al says to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So he brings him to the states and teaches him the great game of football. Predictably, the young man breaks all NFL records for completed passes, accuracy and touchdowns. The Raiders go on to handily win the Super Bowl.

The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of Super Bowl XXXI, and When Al asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is call his mother.

Al arranges for the call and hands the phone to his young quarterback: "Mom," the young man says into the receiver, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You're no longer my son."

"I don't think you understand, mother" the young man pleads. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm in the middle of thousands of adoring fans."

"No, let me tell you," the mother implores. "At this very moment, there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their life last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight...." The old lady pauses, in tears..."...

I'll never forgive you for moving us to Oakland!"