Situations

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walked down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he found his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.

Jake asked her, "What are you up to?"

Alice smiled. "I'm going hunting with you!"

Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decided to take her along. Later they arrived at the hunting site. Jake set his wife safely up in the tree stand and told her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."

Jake walked away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant, much less a deer. Not 10 minutes passed when he was startled as he heard an array of gunshots.

Quickly, Jake ran back. As Jake got closer to her stand, he heard Alice screaming: "Get away from my deer!"

Confused, Jake raced faster towards his screaming wife. And again he heard her yell: "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire!

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake was surprised to see a guy standing there with his hands high in the air. The guy, obviously distraught, said, "Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!"

A lieutenant was brilliant in military matters, but lacked a few social graces. One day he called a soldier in to the office and said "Kramer, your grandmother died."

The soldier fell apart. After he left, the colonel told the lieutenant, "You could have been a little more tactful. I have some books at home that could help you."

The lieutenant read the half-dozen books lent him by the colonel and was ready for the next crisis. Private Taylor's grandfather had passsed away.

The next morning, at reveille, the lieutenant said, "Men, how many of you have a grandfather still living? Not so fast, Private Taylor!"

Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool, mountain air. No one knows your secret place. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called "the world". The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is clear. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding under the water. There now.....feeling better???

On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy".

While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card. "Oh, it's alright." said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen."

"But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party." "Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper. "'Congratulations on your new location'." was the reply.

How to keep a healthy level of insanity and drive other people insane:

• Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice)
• Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
• Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: 'If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.'
• Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
• Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
• Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
• Dont use any punctuation in your emails
• Ask people what sex they are. When they answer, say "are you sure"?
• Stand in front of your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the post office?
→ They're hiring.

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
→ "Dam."

How do crazy people go through the forest?
→ They take the psycho path.

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the toilet too long?
→ Polaroids.

What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
→ National Dyslexia Association.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
→ Nacho Cheese.

What do you call Santa's helpers?
→ Subordinate Clauses.

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
→ Quattro sinko.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
→ Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
→ Frostbite.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
→ A nervous wreck.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
→ Anyone can roast beef.

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
→ They all have phones.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
→ Sanka.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
→ Because they have big fingers.

What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
→ A dog that runs for help ... after it bites your leg off.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
→ A stick.

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?"

Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?"

Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago".

"Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating. Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?!"

Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"

You can learn a lot from reading the graffiti in a bathroom, library or other public area...

• The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open. — Women's rest room, Murphy's, Champaign, Ill.
• If you voted for Clinton in the last election, you can't take a dump here - Your asshole is in Washington! — Men's rest room, Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, Wash.
• Beauty is only a light switch away. — Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, N.C.
• If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted and have the time of our lives. — Armand's Pizza, Washington, D.C.
• Remember, it's not "How high are you?", it's "Hi, how are you?" — Rest stop off Route 81, W. VA.
• God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust? — The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.
• Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. — The Bayou, Baton Rouge, La.
• No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap. — Men's rest room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, N.C.
• It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. — Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, Ariz.
• A woman's rule of thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. — Women's rest room, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Tex.
• Watch out for gay limbo dancers. — Inside toilet stall door, men's rest room?
• Express Lane: Five beers or less. — Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, Ariz.
• You're too good for him. — Sign over mirror in women's rest room, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA
• No wonder you always go home alone. — Sign over mirror in men's rest room, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA
• What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands. — Men's rest room, Lynagh's, Lexington, KY

Bumper stickers seen this weekend .....

• You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me.
• I have the body of a god........ Buddha.
• This would be really funny if it weren't happening to me.
• Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
• The face is familiar but i can't quite remember my name.
• Illiterate? Write for help.
• Honk if anything falls off.
• He who hesitates is not only lost but miles from the next exit.
• This isn't my idea of a good time.
• It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
• Uniquely maladjusted, but fun.
• This bumper sticker exploits illiterates.
• I haven't lost my mind it's backed up on disk somewhere.
• Oh, evolve!
• Gone crazy be back shortly.
• If you're not outraged you're not paying attention.

Can any of you relate to these "addiction" quips? I sure can :)

• The last time you looked at the clock it was 11:30pm, and in what seems like only a few seconds later, your little sister runs past you to catch her 7am school bus.
• The remote to the T.V. is missing...and you don't even care.
• You begin to wonder how your ISP can call 400 hours per month "unlimited!"
• You ask a plumber if he could replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
• The last girl you picked up was a 800x66 jpeg.
• You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP ...because you never log off!
• Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed with us."
• You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.
• You scan restroom stall for hot HTML addresses.
• You have comandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.
• You check your email. It says "no new messages." So you check it again...and again...and again...
• You suddenly realize there is not a sound in the house, and you have no clue where your children are.
• Your dog has its own home page.
• You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.
• You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.
• Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
• You're surprised to learn there's also a 2 o'clock in the "afternoon".
• You unsuccessfully try to download pizza from www.dominos.com.
• Your mouse-clicking forearm rivals Popeye's.
• Batteries in the TV remote now last for years.
• Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.