Situations

Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
→ You can park in the handicap zone.

You might be a Redneck Jedi if...

• You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
• Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
• You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
• At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
• You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
• You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
• The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
• Wookiees are offended by your B.O.
• You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
• You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
• Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
• You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.
• You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
• You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
• You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
• Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
• You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
• You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
• You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
• If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..."

Sign on a brake repair shop in Joliet, Illinois, "We stand in front of our work."

Sign on a muffler shop in Santa Cruz, "We're the Nobody that Midas brags about."

One day a man went hunting for ducks. When he was done he was going to his Chevy and he got a vist from The Game Warden.

The Warden said "Hey Sir, what ya huntin?"

The man said "Ducks."

The Warden said "Did ya have any luck?"

He said "Got 3."

The Warden said "Let Me see them." The Warden stuck his finger up the ducks butt, smelled it and said "This duck is from Ohio, do you have a stamp for it?"

The Man gave him the stamp.

The Warden picked up the 2nd duck did the same thing and said "Kentuky duck, got a stamp?"

The man gave him the stamp.

The Warden did the same thing with the last duck and said "Canada duck. Stamp?"

The man gave him the stamp.

Then the Warden said "Where you from anyway?"

The man pulled down his pants and said "You're the expert, you tell me!"

A rich society lady was being driven home in the rain when her Rolls Royce gets a puncture.

The car slowly stopped, and the chauffeur got out. After a long delay the society lady wound down the window. "Do you want a screwdriver?" she asked.

The chauffeur shrugged. "Might as well," he said, "I can't get this bloody hub cap off!!!"

Top 20 Sayings We'd Like To See On Those Office Inspirational Posters:

1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
7. Plagiarism saves time.
8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.
9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
10. TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
13. We waste time so you don't have to.
14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
19. Succeed in spite of management.
20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

There was a little red man who lived in a little red house on a little red street in a little red town. Now this little red man wanted to take a little red shower so he put his little red towel on the little red towel rack. Just as he was about to get in, the little red doorbell rang.

So he put his little red towel around his little red waist and went to the little red door. He opened the little red door and there stood a woman.

Just then a big gust of wind came and blew the little red towel away. The woman screamed, ran accross the road and got hit by a car.

The moral of the story?
→ Never run accross the road when the little red man is flashing.

1. Leave the copy machine set to 99 copies, reduce 200%, extra dark, 17-inch paper.
2. In the memo field of all your checks write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
5. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
6. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy."
7. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
8. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
9. Ask people what gender they are.
10. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

A young girl is wandering through a park in the pouring rain, when she comes across 3 dogs. Being a bit of an animal lover, she approaches them, bends down and starts to stroke one of them: "Ah, you're lovely, aren't you?" she says to the first dog. "What's your name?" To her surprise, the dog actually answers her, "My name's Huey, and I've had a great day going in and out of puddles."

Delighted with this discovery, she moves on to the next dog. "And what's your name then?" Again, unbelievably, the 2nd dog answers her, "My name's Lewy, and I've had a great day going in and out of puddles." And so she moves on to the last dog. "Let me guess," she says. "your name's Dewy, and you've had a great day going in and out of puddles."

"No," replies the last dog. "My name's Puddles, and I've had an awful day!"

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt, Awe Schitt the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of the Knee-deep Schitt Inn.

Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and they produced 6 children.

Holy Schitt, their first, passed on shortly after birth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt; two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt; and another son, Bull Schitt. Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. Dip Schitt marries Lotta Schitt and they have a son Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens brothers. The Schitt - Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Horace Schitt. Bull Schitt just married a spicy little number, Pisa Schitt and they are awaiting the arrival of Baby Schitt.