Situations

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrive cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cats head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, dring glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retriev cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetnus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

Things NOT to say to a Cop!

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!!
5. Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
8. Bad cop! No Donut!
9. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
10. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on "Cops"?
11. You look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.
12. I pay your salary!
13. So, duhhhh, you on the take, or what?
14. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too.
15. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
16. I was trying to keep up with the other traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around, that's how far ahead of me they are.
17. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained observer!

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog".
15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up".
16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training".
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and copy them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person".
26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

You know you're out of college when...

1. Your salary is less than your tuition.
2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
7. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.
8. 8:00 am is not early.
9. You have to file your own taxes.
10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11. You're not carded anymore.
12. You carry an umbrella.
13. You learn that bachelor is a nice term for "jackass".
14. "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary which is a little less than your allowance used to be.
15. "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid and not married.
16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up and divorce instead of break-up.
17. You start watching the weather channel.
18. Jeans, flannels and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.
19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
21. You stop confusing 401k plan with 10K run.
22. You go to parties that police don't raid.
23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you...and they're no longer "adults" - they are your peers.
24. You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.
25. Your car insurance goes down.
26. You refer to college students as kids.
27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon and rum.
28. Your parents start making casual remarks about grandchildren.
29. You feed your dog science diet instead of taco bell.
30. Your idea of a rocking Friday night is scoring one of the new releases at Blockbuster.
31. Half your conversations with current college students start with, "When I was in college..."

A red-head, a brunette, and a blonde went on a trip to the desert.

They each brought one item for survival.

The red-head brought water. The blonde asked, "Why?" The red-head replied, "To prevent us from dying of thirst."

The brunette brought food. The blonde asked, "Why?" The brunette replied, "To prevent us from dying of hunger."

The blonde brought a car door. The red-head and brunette asked, "Why?" The blonde replied, "To roll down the window if it gets hot."

A man went to Africa to do some game hunting. While there, he hired a young native to accompany him as his guide. Soon, a large flock of birds flew overhead and the hunter took aim.

The guide grabbed his arm and said "Oh, no! These are foo birds and to shoot one means terrible things will happen to you!" The man figured that was only a superstion of the natives and shot one down.

Then the rest of the flock returned and pooped all over him. He hollared at the boy, "I must have some water right away to wash this mess off." The boy said "Oh no! To wash the crap of the foo bird off means sudden death immediately!" Again the hunter ignored his advice, found water and got cleaned off.

Sure enough he dropped dead then and there. The moral of this story is "If the foo shits, wear it."

There are two statues standing in the woods. They have been there standing on their pedastals for 500 years. A girl statue and a boy statue.

Finally one day the Good Fairy came down. You have been here for five centuries, naked just looking at one another. Now, the Good Fairy said to the statues, you have five full seconds to jump down off your pedastals and run out there in the bushes and do whatever it is that you would like to do.

The girl statue and the boy statue jumped down, ran into the bushes, came back out brushing the leaves out of their hair and jumped back upon their pedastals.

The Good Fairy said, "you used three seconds, you have two more seconds to finish what you were doing."

The boy statue looked at the girl statue and said, "this time you hold the pigeon and I'll poop on it's head!"

WARNING! POOR FRED IS DEAD. DO NOT READ THIS UNLESS YOU HAVE COME TOMOURN HIS PASSING.

A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor. "Is Fred home?" he asked the woman who answered the door. "Sorry," the woman replied. "Fred's gone for cotton."

The next day the collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?"

"No, sir," she said, "I'm afraid Fred has gone for cotton."

When he returned the third day he humphed, "I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again?"

"No," the woman answered solemnly, "Fred died yesterday."

Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone, with this inscription: "Gone, But Not for Cotton." RIP, Fred.

We have a tree in our yard, terribly bothered by blight.

We sought professional help and had a tree surgeon come to look at it. In his assessment, he noted that the blight was bad, but he was even more concerned with the deep cracks in the bark.

"In fact," he said, "This tree's bark is worse than its blight!"

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is equal and opposite criticism.

He who hesitates is usually right.

Never do card tricks with the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success is always done in private, and failure in full view.

The colder the X-ray table, the more body is required on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal from one person is plagiarism, to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there are no life-savers.

Monday is the worst way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must pick between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Change is inevidable - except from vending machines.

Don't sweat petty things, or pet sweaty thingss.

A fool and his money will soon be partying.

Money can't buy love - but it can rent a very close imitation.

Plan to be spontanious tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Drugs may lead nowhere, but at least it's a scenic route.

'I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize...'

Everyone repeat after me..."we are all individuals..."

Death to all fanatics!!

Don't be sexist - chicks hate that!

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.

Bills travel throught the mail at twice the speed of checks...

Hard work pays off later - laziness pays off now.

Eagles may soar, but weasles don't get sucked in jet engines

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

If at first you don't succeed, than skydiving definately is not for you.