Situations

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"

"Ten," she replied.

"What are their names?" he asked.

"LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy," she answered.

"They're all named LeRoy?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'LeRoy,' and they all come running in."

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"

"I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner'," she answered.

"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "MAN, That is the ugliest baby I've EVER seen!"

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops and started getting really worked up.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me!" she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, "Hey! He's a public servant and he shouldn't say things to insult the passengers."

"You're right!" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey!"

You Know You're in New York City When...

1. Nuns walk down the street carrying automatic weapons.
2. You can run into the corner deli and have an eat-in lunch with dessert in the time it takes to cross the intersection of 8th and 42nd at rush hour.
3. A flying saucer can pass overhead and you hear the locals say, "Ack. More damned aliens."
4. The aroma of smoked meat is able to counteract the smell of smog and pollution.
5. The priest in the cadillac behind you gives you the finger for cutting him off.
6. You pass a convenience store advertising "Free green cards, no questions asked."
7. The gas station attendants actually speak English.
8. The unearthly pounding of the cranked up bass in the El Camino next to you is drowned out by the cabs honking their horns.
9. A person with rainbow striped hair can pass by without anyone staring.
10. The bumper sticker on the senior citizen's car in front of you reads, "Warning: I break for pedestrians."

Signs you've had too much of the 90's!

• You try to enter your password on the microwave.
• You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."
• You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
• You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back "What's for dinner?"
• You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
• You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your online buddies via a Web page.
• The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is totally foreign to you.
• You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
• Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
• And finally... You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person!

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager, "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"

The Manager replied, "Which one? We have:

• 'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95
• 'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95
• 'Barbie goes shopping' for $19.95
• 'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95
• 'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95
• and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00."

"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?" Dad asked surprised.

Simple...

"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."

Look at each numbered item. Take one point for each one your remember.

When finished, check your score below:

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
5. Hamburg joints with tableside jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. Slingshots
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive - 6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with levers
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulbs
20. Amos and Andy
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young.

If you remembered 6-10 = Kids are calling your sir/ma'am.

If you remembered 11-15 = You're older than dirt!

If you remembered 16-25 = Check your pulse now!

A man lay spread out over three seats in the second row of a movie theater.

As he lay there breathing heavily, an usher came over and said, "That's very rude of you, sir, taking up three seats. Didn't you learn any manners! Where did you come from?"

The man looked up helplessly and said, "The balcony!"

A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.

That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight point buck.

"Where's Henry?" one of his campmates asked.

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail."

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back!?!"

"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.

I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.

I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

I've learned to say "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.

Pass this along to 5 friends...trust me, they'll appreciate it -If not... "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke!"

Some of life's truisms...

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.