Sex Jokes

What are the two greatest lies?
→ "The check is in the mail," and "I promise I won't cum in your mouth."

What's long, hard, and has semen in it?
→ A submarine!

What did the egg say to the boiling water?
→ "It might take me a while to get hard I just got layed last night."

Why did the condom cross the road?
→ Because it was pissed off.

What is the difference between a drug pusher and a prostitute?
→ A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.

What did the egg say to the boiling water?
→ "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."

Why is air a lot like sex?
→ Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What's worse than having your doctor tell you that you have VD?
→ Having your dentist tell you.

The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, so too the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?

At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "Er... How much for a season pass?"

A little girl was playing in the garden when she spied two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.

"That's a daddy long legs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a mommy long legs?" the little girl asked.

"No," her father replied. "Both of them are daddy long legs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.

"Well, we're not having any of THAT in our garden."