Sex Jokes

What's the speed limit of sex?
→ 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

Top 10 things you'll never hear a girl say.

1. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
2. Shouldn't you be out drinking with your friends?
3. Great fart!! Rip another one!
4. Pet names are silly. I just call it my c*nt.
5. You should see the shit I just birthed.
6. I'd rather play Duke Nukem than go shopping.
7. Let's start subscribing to Hustler.
8. Would you like to see a video of me going down on my friend?
9. I'll swallow it all. I love the taste of it!
10. Are you sure you've had enough to drink? I'm buying.

Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc I'm having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?"

After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you except if you're willing to try an experimental treatment."

Jack asks sadly, "What is this treatment?" "Well," the doctor explains, "what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."

Jack thinks about it silently then says, "Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, lets go for it."

A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his girl friend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being uncomfortable.

To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a dinner roll and then returned to his pants.

His girl friend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do that again?"

Jack replied, "Well, I guess so, but I'm not sure I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"

There's this man who's taking a walk around the red light district until he passes a whorehouse with a blinking sign saying: "The Hooker With Three Breasts...". The man get's just a little interested and thinks "well... that could be a once in a lifetime experience". So he goes in and walks up to the man behind the counter. "I'd like to see the hooker with the three breasts" he says.

"Are you sure you can afford that... It'll cost you a thousand dollars" the pimp replies. But, the man is too exited, pull's his wallet and pays him the money. So, he's taken up three stairs to a little room in the back of the house and when he opens the room... there she is. The room is dark but as he comes closer he sees it... three breasts! And so the man absolutely has the night of his life.

The next day the man walks past that same whorehouse and thinking of the night before and the time he had, he goes in and pays the pimp another thousand dollars. Again, he goes up three stairs to that little dark room in the back of the house. And as the day before, she lies there waiting.

But, as he walks up to the hooker, he sees that something is wrong... "Hey! You had three breasts yesterday..." he says after which she smiles and says "What did you expect honey... you can only suck out a boil like that once!"

A woman feared that her husband was losing interest in her sexually. She went out and bought some very sexy lingerie, complete with crotchless panties. She posed herself in bed and awaited his arrival.

When he came into the bedroom, she threw the sheets back, spread her legs, and said, "Welcome home honey. Do you want some of this?"

With a horrified look on his face, the husband replied, "Hell No! Look what it did to your underwear!"

Confucius say...

Woman who cooks beans and peas in same pot very unsanitary.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Baseball very funny game--man with 4 balls no can walk!!

Woman who dance while wearing jock strap have make believe ballroom.

Man who fly plane upside down have crackup.

Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.

Woman who ride bicycle in city pedal ass all over town.

Secretary not permanent, till screwed on desk.

A girl's best asset is her 'lie'ability.

Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man who eat jellybean fart in technicolor.

Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake with smelly finger.

Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission grow up to be shiftless bastard.

Boy who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.

Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.

Man who marries a girl with no bust has right to feel low down.

Man with atletic finger make broad jump.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.

He who fishes in another man's well often catches crab.

Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss baloons.

Man who lose key to apartment not get new key.

He who sitteth on an upturned tack shall surely rise.

Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.

Man who argue with wife all day get no peace at night.

Man who is jacking into a peanut butter jar is fucking nuts.

Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.

He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.

Elevator smell different to midget.

Man who lay woman on ground have peace on earth.

Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.

America Good Place to Put Chinese Restuarant.

Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time.

When lady say no, she mean maybe when lady say maybe, she mean yes when lady say yes, she no lady.

Man who lay girl on hill not on level.

He who rapes a man's daughter, draws and quarters his son, and buries his wife alive in an anthill should not expect to sit at that man's dinner table without the subject coming up.

He who outruns the cheetah is fucking fast on his feet!

There is no such thing as rape; Woman run faster with skirt up, than Man with pants down.

Man who take lady on camping trip have one intent.

Man who put head on railroad track get splitting headache

He who pull out too fast leave rubber behind.

He who refuses to listen is lying.

He who stands in corner with hands in pocket doesn't feel crazy, feels nuts.

Woman who fly upside down have hairy crackup.

Woman who not practise sex before marriage is sentenced to an indeterminate length.

It take square ass to shit a brick.

The hand that turneth the knob, opens the door.

Man who sneezes without hanky takes matters into his own hands..

He who stands on toilet seat is high on pot; and he who sniffs Coke, drowns.

Lady who live in glass house, dress in basement!

Man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead.

Boy who play with himself pulls boner.

Man who sleeps with old hen finds it's better than pullet.

Man who put foot in mouth get athlete's tongue.

Man who put face in punchbowl get punch in nose.

Man who fall in vat of molten optical glass make spectacle of self.

Butcher who back into meat grinder get a little behind in his orders.

This chick walks into a doctor's office and the nurse tells her to take off her clothes and that the doctor will be with her in a minute, so she does. The doctor walks in and take off his coat and starts to feel between her thighs. He asks "do you know what I'm doing now" and she replies "you're checking for menopause" and he says "very good". Then he starts feeling her tits and he asks her "do you know what I'm doing now" and she says "checking for breast cancer" and he says "very good".

Then he jumps on her and starts rooting her and asks if she knows what he's doing now and she replies "contracting genital herpes cause that's why I came to see you"

Why do blondes wear hoop earings?
→ They have to have some place to rest their ankles.

What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
→ Her ankles.

What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS?
→ Lipstick.

Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
→ Because red means stop.

Why do blondes wear red lipstick?
→ Because red means "Stop, wrong hole."

Why don't blondes use vibrators?
→ They chip their teeth.

Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
→ From eating with forks.

Why do blondes wear panties?
→ They make good ankle warmers.

Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
→ Cause their balls show!

What do blondes do for foreplay?
→ Remove their underwear.

What's the mating call of the blonde?
→ "I'm sooo drunk!"

What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
→ (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"

What's the mating call of the brunette?
→ "All the blondes have gone home!"

What's a brunette's mating call?
→ Has that blonde gone yet?

What's the mating call of the redhead?
→ "Next!"

Why do Blondes like the GST? (GST -- Goods and Services Tax now in effect in Canada)
→ Because they can spell it.

What is 74 to a blonde?
→ 69 plus G.S.T.

Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
→ Toes go in first.

Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
→ Tits go in front.

What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?
→ "Have another beer."

What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning?
→ Pack their lunch and send them to work.

What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
→ Introduces themself.
→ Walks home.

Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
→ From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".

How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
→ Fertilised.

How does a blonde like her eggs?
→ Unfertilised.

What's the first thing a blonde does after sex?
→ Opens the car door.

What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
→ Locking the car door.

How do blondes turn the light on after sex?
→ Kick open the car door.

Did you hear about the blonde who was disappointed when she got her driver's license?
→ The instructor gave her an "F" in sex.

Why do blondes like tilt steering?
→ More head room.

Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
→ More leg room.

What goes VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH?
→ A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
→ In case she locks the keys in her car.

What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
→ It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.

Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
→ To turn the blinker off.

What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
→ An Air Bag.

Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car?
→ Cause she blows the horn!!!!!

Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
→ She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

What is the worst thing about sex with a blond?
→ Bucket seats.

What do Blondes say after sex?
→ Thanks Guys.
→ Are you boys all in the same band/team?
→ Do you guys all play for the Rams?

What do you call a hooker and four blondes?
→ Regular price, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks.

Why is a blonde like a door knob?
→ 'Cause everybody gets a turn.

Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
→ 'Cause she's been laid all over the country.

What important question does a blonde ask his/her mate before having sex?
→ Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?

Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving orgasm?
→ Who cares?

Why do blonds have orgasms?
→ So they know when to stop having sex!

How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm????
→ She drops her nail-file!!!
→ Who cares?
→ She say 'Next'
→ The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder
→ He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes
→ The batteries have run out.

Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
→ They can't remember the number.
→ She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.

What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
→ "Thanks for the refill!"

What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear?
→ Data transfer.

Why do blondes have more fun?
→ Because they don't know any better.
→ They are easier to keep amused.

How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ "What's a lightbulb?"
→ One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
→ Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"

What's a blonde's favourite wine?
→ "Daaaady, I want to go to Miaaami!"

What do you call a basement full of blondes?
→ A whine cellar.

What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
→ She moved.

What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?
→ They both have a black box.
→ Both have a cockpit.

What is the difference between a blond and a 747?
→ Not everyone has been in a 747

What does a dumb blonde say when she gives birth?
→ Gee, Are you sure it's mine?

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
→ "Are you sure it's mine?"

How do you get a blonde pregnant?
→ Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.