Sex Jokes

These two old men are in a nursing home.
They're talking and realize that it's been years since they have had sex. So they sneak out and go to the closest whorehouse. Once inside they go to the Pimp and ask for the two best girls. The Pimp thought "I'm not going to waste my two best girls on these guys I'll just give them inflatable women.
They are old and they won't know the difference."
Once the old men finish they leave. On their way back they start talking. The first guy said, "I think mine was dead she didn't move or anything." The second guy said, "I think mine was a witch because when I nibbled on her neck she farted and flew out the window."

Two elderly Southern women are sitting on the veranda sipping lemonade and reminiscing about old times.
One says to the other, "Darling, do you remember the minuet?"
The other replies, "Sweetheart, I can't even remember the ones I screwed!"

A husband and wife are in bed watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire".

The husband asks for sex.

The wife says, "No."

Her husband asks, "Is that your final answer?"

She responds, "Yes."

He says, "Then, I'd like to call a friend."

A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and she agreed.
He asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds.
When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, the answer was "Yes." Asked how she used it, she said, "To assist sexual intercourse." The interviewer was amazed.
He said, "I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it for sexual intercourse. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?"
"Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."

A guy is strolling along a sandy beach one day when he comes across a very old bottle. He's just dusting it off when two rather tired looking genies pop out. "Two genies!" he exclaims. "That must mean six wishes!"
"Sorry, buddy, it's three or nuthin'," say the genies, "and hurry up".
The guy makes his three wishes and races off home to see if they've been granted. He gets home and runs into his bedroom, where he finds the most gorgeous girl he has ever seen waiting for him.
After hours of mad, passionate sex, he stumbles out of bed and walks into the living room where he is knee deep in $1000 bills.
The guy can hardly believe his luck.
Just then there is a knock at the door. He rushes over to open it, when two hooded KKK members throw a rope around his neck and string him up naked until he is dead.
The two then take off their white hoods to reveal that they are, in fact, the two genies, both looking rather puzzled.
The first genie turns to the second and says, "I can understand the beautiful woman and all the money in the world, by why on earth would you want to be hung like a black man?"

Scott finally got his girlfriend into bed, and things were going hot and heavy.

"Slow down, baby," she said. "Foreplay is an art."

"You better get your canvas ready soon," he panted, "because I'm about to spill my paint!"

A man and woman are riding up in an elevator.

The man looks at the woman and says, "Can I smell your pussy?"

She replies, "Hell no!"

The man says, "Well, it must be your feet then."

Harry approached a prostitute and asked, "How much for a blow job?"
"Hundred Bucks."
"OK", he said and began to jerk off.
"What the hell are you doing that for?"
"For hundred bucks you don't think I'm going to give you the easy one, do you?"

While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who was pretty and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately, the executive found himself unable to perform.

On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower into the bedroom to find his wife covered in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly while she pored through a movie magazine.

Then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent erection.

Looking down at this, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of a bitch. Now I know why they call you a prick!"

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis......fifty times"