School

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Fourth Grade Proverbs

Proverbs as finished by a fourth grade class:

It is always darkest...
→ Just before you flunk a test.

There is nothing new...under a rock.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with...a private jet.

A committee of three...gets things done when they are not fighting.

If you can't stand the heat...try Antarctica.

Better late than...absent.

A rolling stone...may dent the floor.

If at first you don't succeed...live with it.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Cry...and then blow your nose.

A bird in the hand is....better than a woodpecker on your head.

Early to bed, early to rise...and you will get the best cereal.

Two heads...are pretty scary.

It is better to light a candle than...to light a bomb.

A miss is as good as...a mister.

A penny saved...is not a lot.

Don't burn your bridges...or you'll fall in the lake.

Haste makes...sweat

College Student Signs

You Might Be A College Student:

  • If you average 3 hours of sleep a night
  • If your trash is overflowing and your bank account isn't
  • If you go to Wal-Mart more than 3 times a week
  • If you are personally keeping the local pizza place from bankruptcy
  • If you wake up 10 minutes before class
  • If you wear the same jeans 13 days in a row -- without washing them
  • If your breakfast consists of a coke on the way to class
  • If your social life consists of a date with the library
  • If it takes a shovel to find the floor of your room
  • If you carry less than a dollar on your person
  • If you haven't done laundry in so long you are wearing your swim suit to class
  • If you celebrate when you find a quarter
  • If your room is so cold that your toilet freezes over
  • If you wear a sweat suit for so long that it stands up by itself
  • If your backpack is giving you Scoliosis
  • If you get more sleep in class than in your room
  • If your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some Ramen Noodles
  • If you can sleep through your roommate's blaring stereo
  • If you live in an area that is smaller than most mobile homes
  • If you get more e-mail than mail......

THEN YOU MIGHT BE A COLLEGE STUDENT!!!

Worst High School Analogies

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.

Venus Statue

The teacher, brought a Venus statue in class and asks: "What do you like best about it?"

"The artwork," says Robert.

"Very good. And you, Peter?"

"Tits!"

"Peter, get out! And you, Johnny?"

"I'm leaving, teacher, I'm leaving."

Happy-Butt

There was a new girl in school, when asked her name, she replied "Happy-Butt". When hearing this, the teacher said, "Go straight to the principal young lady." At that, she went to the principal. He asked her why she was in the office, and she said "The teacher sent me hear so you can find out my real name." He said "well, what is your name?" she said "My name is Happy-Butt" He said "That's not a name, I'm looking it up in the computer RIGHT NOW!" So he looks in the computer, and he says "it lists here that your name is Gladys." She said "Exactly, Happy-Butt, Glad-Ass... SAME THING!"

Math One-Liners

Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)^2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x]. If parallel lines meet at infinity - infinity must be a very noisy place with all those lines crashing together!

- Maths Teacher: Now suppose the number of sheep is x...

- Student: Yes sir, but what happens if the number of sheep is not x?

Zenophobia: the irrational fear of convergent sequences.

Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.

If I had only one day left to live, I would live it in my statistics class: it would seem so much longer.