School

- Professor: Heavens! Someone stole my wallet!

- Wife: Didn't you feel a hand in your pocket?

- Professor: Yes, but I thought it was mine!

What do you get when you cross a Texas Aggie with an ape?
→ A retarded ape.

Why don't Purdue athletes eat pickles?
→ They can't get their heads in the jar.

Why did the University of Oklahoma researcher stay awake every night?
→ He was trying to find a cure for insomnia.

Why is Bill infuriated with Chelsea's new private school?
→ They broke family tradition by making her wear a uniform.

What did Clinton say when accused of copying his homework from his girlfriend at Oxford?
→ I did not have textual relations with that woman.

Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stands up and offers "If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."

A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved... that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer.

"What?" asks Clinton, "Isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says:
"If an airplane carrying Bill & Hillary Clinton were blown up by a bomb, THAT would be tragedy."

"Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous!
And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it couldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"

A schoolteacher was trying to teach her six-year old class students how to say the pledge of allegiance to the flag. The schoolteacher said, O.K. children begin by putting your hand over your little heart and repeat with me, I pledge allegiance to the HOLD IT! HOLD IT! Johnny, why is your hand over your butt cheek instead of your heart? Johnny relied! I can't. Teacher asks, why not? Well you see, when my ant comes over to pick me up and pats my bottom and says, BLESS YOUR LITTLE HEART!!!!!!

- Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you've only drawn the cow?

- Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass!

- Mum: From now on your going to have free school dinners.

- Son: But, Mum, I don't want three school dinners, one is more than enough!