Religion

Two Irish friends greeted each other while waiting their turn at the bank window. "This reminds me of Finnegan," remarked one. "What about Finnegan?" inquired the other. "'Tis a story that Finnegan died, and when he greeted St. Peter, he said: 'It's a fine job you've had here for a long time.' 'Well, Finnegan,' said St. Peter, 'here we count a million years as a minute and a million dollars as a cent.' 'Ah!' said Finnegan, 'I'm needing cash. Lend me a cent.' 'Sure,' said St. Peter, 'just wait a minute.'"

Paddy was an inveterate drunkard. The priest met him one day, and gave him a strong lecture about drink. He said, "If you continue drinking as you do, you'll gradually get smaller and smaller, and eventually you'll turn into a mouse." This frightened the life out of Paddy. He went home that night, and said to his wife, "Bridget....if you should notice me getting smaller and smaller, will ye kill that blasted cat?"

Monahan stumbled into a saloon, half crocked. "Say," he said to the bartender, "how tall is a penguin?" "About two and a half feet." "Thank God!" cried Monahan. "I thought I ran over a nun!"

Believe it or not, the following announcements actually appeared in various church bulletins.

• Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
• Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
• For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
• The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
• This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
• Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
• Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
• Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.
• This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come foreward and lay an egg on the alter. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
• Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come foreward and do so.
• The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
• A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

• Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
• Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
• For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
• Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.
• This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
• Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
• A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
• The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
• Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
• The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
• Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
• 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
• The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
• Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.

and last but not least...

• Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Every Christmas morning, when my kids were little, I read them the nativity story out of the big family bible.

When my son was old enough to talk, he asked me what a stable was.

I thought for a moment how to explain it to him in terms he could understand, then told him, "It's something like your sister's room, but without a stereo."

Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, 'You need to join the Army of the Lord!'
Jack replied, 'I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.'
Pastor questioned, 'How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?'
He whispered back, 'I'm in the secret service.'

In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"

"They're Carol's."