Religion

A young Catholic priest decided to enter a monastery. He joined one particularly strict sect. The head monk told him, at his indoctrination, that they were sworn to TOTAL silence. They could not speak one word at all. However, every ten years, they would be permitted to speak two words.

After 10 years of total silence, the head monk indicated it was now time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, "Bed hard!" And then he resumed his silent study and work.

Another 10 years passed and the head monk again indicated it was time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, "Food bad!" And then he resumed his silent study and work.

Another 10 years passed and the head monk again indicated it was time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, "I quit!"

The head monk shook his head and said, "I knew this was coming. You've done nothing but complain for the past 30 years!"

Why did God give deers eyes?
→ I have no eye-deer!

A visitor to the vatican met with the Pope and noticed a red phone sitting on his desk.

"What's that for?" he asked.

"Oh, that's the direct line to the Lord" said the Pope.

The visitor said, "Wow, how much is a call?"

The Pope answered, "$2,000 per minute."

A few days later the same visitor met the Israeli Prime Minister and noticed a red phone on his desk.

"What's that for?", he asked. "Oh, that's the direct line to the Lord" said the Prime Minister.

The visitor asked "How much is a call?"

The Prime Minister said "20 cents per minute."

The astonsished visitor said, "It can't be. I just saw the Pope who said a call to the Lord is $2,000 per minute."

The Prime Minister answered, "That was long distance, here the Lord is just a local call."

What is the difference in a Knights of Columbus and a Shriner?
→ A Knight is once a knight, always a Knight and the Shriners argue that once a night is enough for anyone!

You know how Princess Diana and Mother Theresa died around about the same time? Well they both went up to heaven. St. Peter met them at the entrance to the pearly gates. He said "You both must show me something to prove your worth, going into heaven."

Mother Theresa went first. She walked up to St. Peter and lifted her habit and flashed her breasts at him.

He said "okay. Princess Di?"

Princess Di smiled and walked over into the corner, did a squat and pissed. St. Peter gave it careful consideration.

Finally he decided. "Princess Di. You're in. Sorry Mother Theresa, but a Royal Flush, beats two of a kind!!!!!"

A man arrives at the Pearly Gates and finds that St. Peter is not there, but a computer terminal is sitting next to the arch. He walks up to it and sees "Welcome to www.Heaven.com. Please enter your User ID and Password to continue." He doesn't have either, but underneath the fields is a small line reading: "Forgot your ID or Password? Click Here." So he does.

Up pops a screen which reads, "Please enter at least two of the following, and your pasword and ID will be e-mailed to you." The fields include "Name," "Date of birth," "Date of death," and "Favorite Food."

The man enters his name and date of birth, and clicks "Submit."

Up pops another screen which reads, "We are sorry, we did not find a match in our database. Would you like to register?" So the man clicks the button marked "Yes."

A long and detailed form appears on the screen, and the man spends some time filling it out. Then he clicks the "Submit" button.

Now he is faced with a screen reading, "We are sorry, this service is temporarily unavailable; please try again later." There is a button marked "Back." He clicks it.

A new page appears. It reads, "Welcome to www.Purgatory.com. Please enter your User ID and Password to continue..."

A drunk stumbles into a confessional.

The priest hears him come in, but then he doesn't hear anything, so the priest knocks on the wall.

The drunk says, "Forget it, buddy, there's no paper in this one, either!"

A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord."

The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayerbooks and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.

Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community."

The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.

Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the country."

The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the door.

When God created the earth, Adam & Eve, he found he had two baubles left over. He came to Adam & Eve & said, "I have two things left. One is the gift to piss while standing up."

Adam got very excited: "Oh, that would be so great, I would really like that. If I'm out in the fields, I can just go right there."

So Eve smiled & said, "Okay, it sounds like he really wants that." As Adam tried out his new gift, he asked out of curiousity, "What was the other gift?"

"Oh," God said, looking, "Multiple orgasms."

One night, a cabby picked up a nun. While he was driving, the cabby suddenly started to laugh insanely.

"Why are you laughing?" Asked the nun.

"Oh, It's nothing." said the cabby.

"No, really." said the nun "I won't mind."

So the Cabby told her: "Well, It's really silly but I've always had this fantasy of having a blow job done by a nun."

"Well then, whats your name?" The nun asked.

"Robert"

"Are you married?"

"No."

"Are you christian?"

"Yes."

"Then Pull into the next alley."

The cabby was stunned. but he didn't want to give up this chance so he pulled into the next alley. When they were finished, they returned to the cab.

While driving, the cabby started to cry.

"Why are you crying?" asked the nun.

"I'm sorry, I've lied."

"How so?"

"Well, My name is David, I have a wife and three children, and I'm Jewish."

"Well, I've done a bit of lying too..." smiled the nun "My name is George and I'm going to a costume party."