Religion

How do Jewish people celebrate Christmas?
→ They all gather around their cash registers and sing "What a Friend We Have In Jesus..."

An Australian joke...

St Peter is standing at the pearly gates one day when a pair of Abo's stroll up.

"Your names aren't on today's list... let me go and ask the Boss" he says.

In God's office he tells the Big Man all about the two Abo's, and God tells Peter to go and tell them to fuck right off.

St Peter takes his leave. 5 minutes later St Peter runs back into the room and says "they're gone"

God says "the Abo's? Good". and St Peter replies... "NO THE PEARLY GATES!!!".

How do Catholics separate the men from the boys?
→ With a crowbar.

Why do Jews wear yarmulkes?
→ Because the little propellers cost extra!

Why did the Jews wander in the desert for forty years?
→ Somebody dropped a shekel.

There were these three blokes sitting on the high cliffs of a lonely beach, with a rope going down into the surf and a Chinaman frantically trying to climb up.

While they were sitting there a Priest walks along, looks over and says, "God bless you children, that's Christianity at work. May the lord bless you both," and then kept on walking.

One bloke looks at the other, "Who the fuck was that?" "Oh," said the other bloke, "that's Father Johnston. He knows all there is about the bible."

The other bloke looked around and quickly says, "Well he knows fuck all about shark fishing."

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old man. She asks: "You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that and what are you praying for?"

The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth."

The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?" she asks.

The old man looks at her sadly. "Like I'm talking to a wall."

Do you know why the baby Jesus wasn't born in Iowa?
→ They couldn't find three wise men!!!

What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?
→ Two Mennonite!

Why can't black women become nuns?
→ They can't say superior after mother.