Ouch

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
→ One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.... the other is used to carry groceries.

A blond walks into a bar.
Ouch!

Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on a very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls off. He is killed instantaneously. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize they'll have to inform his wife. Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer. "So did you tell her?" asks Jeff. "Yep", replies Bob. "Say, where did you get the six-pack?" Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me."

"WHAT??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??" "Sure," Bob says. "WHY?" asks Jeff. "Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?' 'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!' So I said: 'I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"

What is the worst thing that can happen to a bat while it sleeps?
→ Diarrhoea!

This is what should happen to ALL CATS..!

HOW TO WASH THE CAT

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both lids up.
3. Find the cat and soothe him while you carry him toward the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.) The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
   CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his claws will be reaching out for anything they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a Power "Wash" and "Rinse", which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,
THE DOG

What do you call a dog with no back legs and balls of steel?
→ Sparky

Did you hear about the Blind man that went Bunjee jumping?
→ Scared the hell out of the dog.

What do you call a dog with two balls and no hind legs?
→ Sparky

What does an elephant keep up its trunk?
→ A Yard 'n' half o' snot!

What do you call a dog with no legs?
→ Hehe...it doen't matter, it's not going to come anyway!