Mom/Dad Jokes

On Fred's 17th birthday, his Dad said he'd take him out for his first driving lesson.

As they got in the car, the father said, "Just one thing, Fred. If you're going to hit anything, make sure it's cheap."

- What sort of a car has your dad got?

- I can't remember the name. I think it starts with T.

- Really - Ours only starts with gas.

My dad is stupid.
He thinks a fjord is a Norwegian motor car.

One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter and beeped his car horn by mistake.

She turned and looked at him for an explanation.

He said, "I did that by accident."

She replied, "I know that, daddy."

He replied, "How'd you know?"

The girl said, "Because you didn't say 'ASSHOLE!' afterwards!"

A young man comes home and says, "Dad, I just got my driver's license and would like to use the family car."

Father replies, "O.K., son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make sure the yard is neat, and cut your hair. Come back in a few months and then we'll see."

Well, several months pass and the young man comes into the house with his report card in his hand. "Dad, I got great marks on my report card. I've been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is always ship-shape. How about letting me use the car?"

Father replies, "That's all true, but son you didn't cut your hair."

Son says, "But, dad, Jesus had long hair."

Father replies, "Yes, son, you're perfectly right. And he walked everywhere he went."

INTERVIEWER to job applicant: "Do you think you could come up with any reason you want this job other than your parents want you out of their house?"

Mom and Dad are in the iron and steel business.

She does the ironing and he does the stealing.

On the first day his son joined the family firm, the founder took him on to the roof of the factory building and said,

'I am going to give you your very first lesson in business. Stand on the edge of the roof.'

Reluctantly, the boy went to stand on the edge of the roof.

'Now,' said his father, 'when I say, "Jump," I want you to jump off the roof.'

'But, Dad,' said the boy, 'there's a huge drop!'

'Do you want to succeed in business?'

'Yes, Dad.'

'And you trust me, don't you?'

'Yes, Dad.'

'So do as I say and jump.'

The boy jumped. He crashed to the ground and lay there, winded and bruised. His father went racing down the stairs and ran up to him.

'That was your first lesson in business, son. Never trust anyone.'

The boss called one of his employees into the office.

"Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department.

"Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company.

"What do you say to that?"

"Thanks," said the employee.

"Thanks?" the boss replied. "Is that all you can say?"

"I suppose not," the employee said.

"Thanks, Dad."

- Cannibal: Mom, mom, I've been eating a missionary and I feel sick!

- Mom: Well, you know what they say - you can't keep a good man down!