Medicine

Whats blue and doesn't fit any more?
→ A dead epileptic.

Woman walks into her psychiatrist's office and says: "Hey doc, you know how we have been talking about freudian slips? Well, I had the most amazing one last night. I was eating dinner with my mother, and I meant to say, 'please pass the salt,' but instead I said, 'You god damn bitch, you ruined my life.'"

A rather senile old lady went to her doctor complaining of draining and a feeling of fullness in her ear. After the examination, the doctor initiated a conversation that went as follows:

- D: Why madam, I think you have a suppository in your ear.

- L: ?eh?

- D: Madam - You have a SUPPOSITORY in your EAR!

- L: ?? EH??

- D: (shouting) --IN YOUR EAR! -- A SUPPOSITORY!!!

- L: Oh, thank Goodness - now I know where I put my hearing aid....

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said: "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."

"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..."

What do you do when an epilectic takes a bath?
→ Throw in your laundry.

What is the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?
→ The taste.

A man went to the doctor's. The doctor came in and said, "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that you have an inoperable brain tumor. The good news is our hospital has just been certified to do brain transplants and there has been an accident right out front and a young couple was killed and you can have whichever brain you'd like. The man's brain costs $100,000.00 and the woman's brain costs $30,000.00."

The patient could not help but ask, "Why such a large difference between the male and the female brain?" The doctor replied, "The female brain is used."

There was a costume party at a mental hospital; the theme of the party was "war". The first person comes up onto the stage and says, "I'm an atomic bomb." He gets his applause and steps down.

The second person comes up and says, "I'm a hydrogen bomb." Again, there's applause and he steps down.

And then a naked little man comes up to the stage and says, "I'm dynamite." Everybody runs away hysterically. When one of them is asked why, he says, "Didn't you see how small his fuse was?"

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

- What are you doing here today?

- Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it.

- Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25.

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.

Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

- Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?

- [shaking her head with mouth closed] Unh unh.

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours.

He nearly died on us!" The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"