Random joke from this category
In response to calls for sexual equity, Pillsbury recently added a new Pillsbury Doughgirl character to the well known Doughboy. Unfortunately, she couldn't come to work this week because she had a yeast infection.
What is the difference between a pitbull dog and a PMS woman?
→ Lipstick.
What is the difference between a terrorist and a PMS woman?
→ You can negotiate with the terrorist.
How can you tell which bottle contains the PMS medicine?
→ It's the one with bite marks on the cap.
POLISH MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY FOR THE LAYMAN
Calories can be burned by the hundreds by engaging in strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise.
Exercise - Calories burned per hour
To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:
What does HMO stand for?
→ This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.
Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
→ No. Only those you need.
I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
→ Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories -- those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry -- the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half day's drive away!
What are pre-existing conditions?
→ This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.
Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
→ Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.
What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
→ You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.
My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
→ Poke yourself in the eye.
I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery, but I'd already paid my bill. What should I do?
→ You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.
What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
→ Try sitting in a different part of the bus.
No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?
→ You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It's best to wait until you return, and then get sick.
I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?
→ Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10 co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.
What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?
→ Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.
Will health care be any different in the next century?
→ No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.
A rather senile old lady went to her doctor complaining of draining and a feeling of fullness in her ear. After the examination, the doctor initiated a conversation that went as follows:
- Doctor: Why madam, I think you have a suppository in your ear.
- Lady: ?eh?
- Doctor: Madam - You have a SUPPOSITORY in your EAR!
- Lady: ?? EH??
- Doctor: (shouting) --IN YOUR EAR! --A SUPPOSITORY!!!
- Lady: Oh, thank Goodness - now I know where I put my hearing aid!
An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie (ie. a Newfoundlander). He went to a neurosurgeon and asked "Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?"
"Sure, it's easy." replied the neurosurgeon. "All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie."
The Ontarian was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the surgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting out 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain. He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient's bed as the patient recovered from the anesthetic.
As soon as the patient was conscious, the neurosurgeon said to him - "I'm terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain."
The patient replied "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?"
Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.
The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news.
The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."
Harry says, "My God!... What's the good news?"
The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead!"
