Medicine

- Doctor, you've gotta help me. I eat apples, apples later come out into the toilet. I eat bananas, bananas come out.

- That's easy. Eat shit!

- Operator, operator, call me an ambulance!!!

- Okay, sir, you're an ambulance!

- My daughter believes in preventative medicine, doctor.

- Oh, really?

- Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her take it!

- How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat?

- Cut your head off!

- Look here, doc! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!

- I am, bit by bit!

Interns think of God, residents pray to God, doctors talk to God, nurses ARE God!

- You're in good health. You'll live to be 80.

- But, doctor, I am 80 right now.

- See, what did I tell you!

- Please tell me, doctor, am I getting better?

- I think so. But to be sure, let me feel your wallet...

A doctor dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates and checks him in. After he's registered, St. Peter says to him, "Look at the time: you must be hungry! Heaven Cafeteria is serving lunch, why don't you get yourself something to eat?"

The doctor goes to the cafeteria and notices the long line. He immediately cuts in at the front, only to hear loud protests. "I'm a doctor" he says, "I'm a busy man, I don't have time to wait in line."

The others say, "You're in heaven now, we're all the same here, get to the back of the line and wait your turn!"

A few weeks later, waiting patiently on line for lunch, the doctor notices a man come dashing in wearing scrubs and a lab coat, stethoscope around his neck. He butts in at the head of the line and no one utters a peep. "Hey," he says to the guy in front of him, "Who does that guy think he is?"

"Oh, that's God," says the guy, "He likes to play doctor!"

After her operation, the famous lady soap opera star was propped up in bed in her private room, as the doctor did his rounds. "Tell me, how are you feeling now?" he asked.

"A lot better, thank you," purred the star in reply. "But one thing does bother me. When will I be able to resume a normal sex life?"

"Oh, that's rather hard to say," said the doctor. "I've never been asked that after a tonsilectomy before."