Medicine

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

"Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry."

The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly."

On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?"

"Yes," the boy's mother answered.

"And how is your son now?" the psychiatrist asked.

"Who cares?" the mother replied.

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital.
However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.

Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.

"Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.

To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"

Two psychiatrists were walking down a hall.

One turned to the other and said, "Hello."

The other one thought, "I wonder what he meant by that."

How many Histrionic P.D. does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ "You want me to change the lightbulb? I could burn my hand! I could be electrocuted! I could fall off the ladder and be paralyzed for life! You don't love me anymore!"

How many Dependent P.D. does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ None, he's still clinging to the old lightbulb.

How many Passive Aggressive P.D. does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ Oops. I can't believe I broke the last one. I guess you'll have to sit in the dark.

How many Obsessive-Compulsive P.D. does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ Just one. But he has to check it 100 times, one for each watt.

How many Borderline P.D. does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ Just one. To threaten suicide if you don't change it for him/her.

Three patients at a psychiatric clinic are up for release. The shrink informs them that they will have to pass a simple test. Asking the first patient:

- How much is two plus two?

- Blue.

At which the kind doctor calls in the orderly to escort the patient back to his room.

Turning to the second patient, he asks what is six minus three? To which the patient replies: Square. Once again the orderly is called in to remove the patient. Turning to the third and last patient, he asks, "How much is five plus five?" The patient answers very confidentally: "Ten." The doctor, amazed then inquires how did you figure it out? The patient: "Easy. Blue multiplied by square equals ten."