Random joke from this category
A woman had been married three times and was still a virgin.
Somebody asked her how that could be possible.
- Well - she said.
- The first time I married an octogenarian and he died before we could consummate the marriage.
- The second time I married a naval officer and war broke out on our wedding day.
- The third time I married a Microsoft Windows programmer and he just sat on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how good it was going to be.
A guy tells his wife that she has three choices. She can either go hunting with him, give him a blowjob, or he can butt fuck her.
The wive says:
- I don't want to go hunting because its cold out, and I've never been butt fucked before, so I think I'll go with the blowjob.
So she's down there doing her thing and suddenly she says:
- your dick tastes like shit!
The guy says:
- yeah, the dog didn't want to go hunting either.
Joe woke up one morning with an enormous boner and looked for his wife, but she had awakened and was preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Joe was afraid he might spoil things by getting up, so he called his little boy and sent this note to his wife:
THE TENT POLE IS UP,
THE CANVAS IS SPREAD.
THE HELL WITH BREAKFAST,
COME BACK TO BED.
The wife answered the note and sent it back by the boy.
It read:
TAKE THE TENT POLE DOWN,
PUT THE CANVAS AWAY.
THE MONKEY HAD A HEMORRHAGE,
NO CIRCUS TODAY.
So he sent another note down. It read:
THE TENT POLE'S STILL UP,
AND THE CANVAS STILL SPREAD.
SO DROP WHAT YOU'RE DOING,
AND COME GIVE ME SOME HEAD.
To which she replied:
I'M SURE THAT YOUR POLE'S
THE BEST IN THE LAND.
BUT I'M BUSY RIGHT NOW,
SO DO IT BY HAND!!
A man who went to Church with his wife fell was always falling asleep during the sermon. The wife decided to do something about this and one Sunday took a long hat pin along to poke him with every time he would doze off.
As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out:
- ... and who created all there is in 6 days and rested on the 7th..
She poked her husband who then came flying out of the pew and screamed:
- Good God all mighty
- That's right, that's right - the minister said and went on with his sermon.
The man sat back down, muttering under his breath and later began to doze off again when the minister got to:
- ... and who died on the cross to save us from our sins...
the wife hit him again and he jumped up and shouted:
- Jesus Christ
- that's right, That's Right - the Minister said and went on with his sermon.
The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got to:
- ... and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child
the wife started to poke the husband but he jumped up and said:
- If you stick that damn thing in me again I'll break it off!
A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks:
- Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?
- I got it for my wife, eh. - answers Bob.
- Oh! - exclaims Doug.
- Good trade!
What's the major cause of divorce?
→ Once is not enough.
A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation... (She is speaking in a cheery voice)
- Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye.
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks:
- Who was that?
- Oh - she replies.
- That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you.
Hear about the Amish couple that was getting a divorce after 55 years of marriage? The wife told the judge that her husband was "driving her buggy!"
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another:
- Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? - The other replied - Yes I am, I married the wrong man.
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he's finished. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.
A little boy asked his father:
- Daddy, how much does it cost to get married? - And the father replied - I don't know, son, I'm still paying.
- Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
- Dad: That happens in every country, son.
Then there was a man who said:
- I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.
Married life is frustrating. The first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband:
- You know, I was a fool when I married you. - The husband replied - Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice.
It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
- You can have mine.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.
A woman was telling her friend:
- It is I who made my husband a millionaire.
- And what was he before you married him. - Asked the friend. The woman replied - A billionaire.
God says to Adam:
- What would you like in a wife? - Hmmm - says Adam - I'd like her to be the most beautiful creature in the world. I'd like her to do whatever I tell her to. I'd like he to work hard, be smart, enjoy being with me.
- Hmmmm - God says - I can do it, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg.
- Oh - says Adam - Well what can I get for a rib?
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry
Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. - Montaigne
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Hemant Joshi
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution. - Mae West
- I was married by a judge... I should have asked for a jury. - George Burns
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Therefore ...
Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without.
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Behind every successful man stands an amazed Mother-in-Law!
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute.
