Marriage Jokes

A guy is golfing with his pretty wife, who is a very poor golfer. On the first hole she sends the ball smashing through the window of a nearby house.

The couple goes to the house to investigate the damage and finds the door open. They go inside and found a man sitting on a couch next to the broken window. There is also a broken oil-lamp.

The husband asks:

- Did we break that too?

- Yes - replies the man.

- Sorry. Do you live here? - the husband asks.

- No, actually, I'm a genie. The man states:

- I was sleeping in that lamp when your golf ball smashed it. Now, I'm supposed to give you three wishes, but I'm keeping one for myself since you smashed my lamp. OK, what'll they be?

The husband thinks a moment:

- First, make my wife a better golfer.

- Poof! She's a better golfer - the genie announces.

- Second, I want a million bucks a week for life.

- Poof! you get a million bucks a week - the genie announces.

- Good. OK, what do you want? - asks the husband.

- For my wish. I want to have my way with your pretty wife - grins the genie.

- Hmmm - the husband hesitated:

- I guess that's all right. After all, she broke your lamp, you've made us rich, and our golf games will be much more interesting. Go ahead.

So the genie and the wife retire the bedroom. After several steamy hours the "genie" says to the wife:

- How long have you known your husband?

- Ten years - she replies.

- How long has he believed in this genie stuff?

A woman's husband has died. After a few months, she decides she wants a new one. She submits a classified ad as follows:

- Widow looking for a new husband. To be considered, you must conform to these three criteria:

1. You can't beat me (as my first husband did).
2. You can't run around on me (as my first husband did).
3. You MUST be good in bed (as my first husband wasn't).

A few days later, the doorbell rings. She opens the door and a man without any arms and or legs is sitting in a wheel chair.

- Can I help you? - she says.

- I'm here about your ad in the paper.

- Which ad is that?

- The one looking for a husband.

She says:

- Uhm, well, there were certain criteria...

- Yes, I know. Obviously, I could never beat you... I have no arms.

- Well, yes, I see that... but there were other criteria.

- And, as you can see, I could never run around on you... I have no legs.

- Well, yes, that's true... but there was one other thing that is very important...

- Ah, yes, well... how do you think I rang the door bell?

It was New Year's Eve ... by then, actually, it was very early on New Year's morning. The drunk staggered out of the men's room and wobbled his way to the bar.

- I, uh, lll..., I'll ha-have anudder. Maske itta dubble.

The bartender looks him over and notices the vomit staining the front of the drunk's sharp looking suit.

- Buddy, it looks to me like you've had quite enough. Why don't you call it a night and go home.

The drunk protests...:

- N-n-no! I ca-can't. My, my wife, you, you see... She gammie this new shoot for Chrishmash. Iff she seez what Ife done to it... She, she's gunna kill m-me. Juss gimmie a doubble...

- Tell you what - the bartender says.

- You got any 20 dollar bills on you?

The drunk pulls out his wallet and thumbs through and replies...:

- Y-yeah, I got a few....

The bartender takes one of the twenties and stuffs it in the shirt pocket of the poor drunk.

- There you go buddy. When your wife asks you what happened, you just tell here that you were innocently passing by the bar on your way home when some boozer staggers out, holds onto you, and barfs all over you. He then apologizes and shoves a twenty in your pocket so you can get the suit dry cleaned!

- B-br-brilliant! - the drunk exclaims excitedly.

- Thish jush might w-work!

The drunk goes home and sure enough, his wife is waiting up for him, rolling pin in hand.

- Look at you! You're a disgrace! Look at what you've done to your new suit!

- N-no hunnybunsh - the drunk stammers...

- Y-you see, I was juss passing by the b-ba-bar when this drunken sod stumbles out, b-ba-bar-barfs all over me, and then he shoved a twenty dollar bill in my pocket, he sez, so I, I can get my suit drykleened...

The wife looks in the drunk's pocket and pulls out the money.

- Wait a minute... - the wife says.

- there are TWO twenty dollar bills in your pocket.

The drunk reels, regroups, and explains...:

- Wha-wha... Well thass because after he puked on me, he ... he took a crap in my pants!

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

- Hurry! - she said:

- stand in the corner.

She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.

- Don't move until I tell you to - she whispered.

- Just pretend you're a statue.

- What's this, honey? - the husband inquired as he entered the room.

- Oh, it's just a statue - she replied nonchalantly.

- The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too.

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

- Here - he said to the 'statue':

- eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water.

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.

The doctor says:

- Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news.

- The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life.

Harry says:

- My God!... What's the good news?

The doctor says:

- I'm kidding. She's dead!

A guy goes to buy a train ticket, and the girl selling tickets has an incredible set of jugs.

He says:

- Give me two pickets to Titsburgh...umm... I mean, two tickets to Pittsburgh.

He's really embarrassed...

The guy in line behind him says:

- Relax, pal. We all make Freudian slips like that. Just the other day at the breakfast table I meant to say to my wife, 'Please pass the sugar', but I accidentally said...'You fucking bitch, you wrecked my life!'

A man and his wife of more than 50 years were rocking back and forth on the front porch. Slowly they rocked in rhythm, as this was their time to spend a few quiet moments and after years of practice they rocked to the same pace.

Suddenly the wife stopped, grabbed her cane, and with a loud and hard WHACK hit her husband across the shins.

His eyes watered and tears ran down his cheeks. When he finally caught his breath he gasped and asked:

- What'd you do that fer?

- That's fer fifty years of bad sex - she said.

He nodded his head, but said nothing. Slowly they began to rock again. Again they kept pace. Back and forth, back and forth they rocked, until suddenly the man stopped, and picked up his cane. He reached over and with a loud, sharp WHACK, he hit his wife across the shins.

As soon as her eyes quit watering and she could speak she asked:

- What was that fer?

- That - said her husband as he began to rock again, is fer knowin' the difference!

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place....

- Man: What's the problem officer?

- Officer: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

- Man: No sir, I was going 65.

- Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going 80.

[Man gives his wife a dirty look.]

- Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

- Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!

- Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.

[Man gives his wife a dirty look.]

- Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.

- Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

- Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt.

Man turns to his wife and yells:

- Shut your damn mouth!

Officer turns to the woman and asks:

- Ma'am, does your husband talk to you like this all the time?

- Wife: No, only when he's drunk!

Harry is on his death bed, his wife Zelda is by his side:

- Zelda, you've always been by my side

- When I broke my leg at 25; you were by my side

- When I had my first heart attack at 45; you were by my side

- When I had my second heart attack at 65; you were by my side

- When I broke my hip at 75; you were by my side

- And now when I'm dying; you are at my side............

- Zelda, you're a fucking jinx!!

A golfer and his buddies where playing a big round of golf for $200. At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round, and the $200.

As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by. The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and began to wait for the funeral procession to pass. After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt.

One of his buddies said:

- That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. I can't believe you stopped playing, possibly loosing your concentration, to pay your respects.

- Well, we were married for 25 years!