Marriage Jokes

Two friends are shopping in a drugstore when one of them tells the other:

- My husband says this brand here is the most effective ointment for hemorrhoids on the market today.

- How does he know this for sure though? - asked the other woman.

- Because besides being my husband who thinks he's always right, he's also an asshole himself.

To my dear wife,

During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often.

• We will wake the children.......17 times
• It's too late.......15 times
• I'm too tired.......5 times
• It's too early.......52 times
• It's too hot.......15 times
• Pretending to be asleep.......49 times
• Window open the neighbours will hear.......9 times
• Backache.......2 times
• Headache.......16 times
• Sunburnt.......10 times
• Your mother will hear us.......6 times
• Not in the mood.......21 times
• Will wake the baby.......17 times
• Watching the late TV show.......7 times
• Too sore.......9 times
• New hairdo.......4 times
• Wrong time of the month.......4 times
• You had to go to the toilet.......9 times

On the 36 occasions that I did succeed, the activity was not entirely satisfactory because 6 times you just lay there, 8 times you reminded me there was a crack in the ceiling, 14 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you to tell you I had finished, and once I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

Your loving husband.

To my dear husband,

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the real reasons you did not get more than you did.

• Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat.......7 times
• Didn't come home.......29 times
• Didn't come.......14 times
• Came too soon.......26 times
• Went soft before you got in.......18 times
• Toes in cramp.......9 times
• Working late.......49 times
• Said you had a rash, probably from a loo seat.......21 times
• In a fight, someone kicked you in the balls.......4 times
• Caught it in your zipper.......6 times
• Got a cold, your nose keeps running.......14 times
• Brewer's droop.......95 times
• Tea was too hot, you burnt your tongue.......9 times
• Had a splinter in your finger.......4 times
• Lost the notion after thinking about it all day.......13 times
• Came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book.......8 times

Of the times we did get together, the reason I lay still was because you had missed and was stuffing the sheets. I wasn't talking about a crack in the ceiling, what I said was:

- Would you prefer it on your back or with me kneeling?

The times you felt me move were because you had farted and I was trying to breathe. However, 6 months ago I phoned Alcoholics Anonymous for help and their representative has been calling most afternoons.

Your loving wife.

You know you've been married too long when a "Quickie" before dinner now means a drink.

The Top 16 Biblical Ways To Acquire A Wife

16. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. - Deuteronomy 21
17. Find a prostitute and marry her. - Hosea (Hosea 1)
18. Find a woman with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.. - Moses (Exodus 2)
19. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. - Boaz (Ruth 4)
20. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. - Benjaminites (Judges 21)
21. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib. - Adam (Genesis 2)
22. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman. - Jacob (Genesis 29)
23. Cut off 50 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. - David (1 Samuel somewhere)
24. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative off course.) - Cain (Genesis 4)
25. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. - Xerxes or Atrahasis (Esther 1)
26. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ...woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." - Samson (Judges 14)
27. Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though). - David (2 Samuel 9)
28. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea, it's the law). - Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
29. Don't be so picky. Make for quality with quantity. - Solomon (1 Kings 11)
30. A wife?... NOT!!! - Paul (I Corinthians 7)
31. Become sinless, and die in atonement for others, and you can marry a whole bunch of people. - Jesus (Revelation 15?)

Top Ten Things NOT To Say On Your Anniversary

10. Today is our what?
11. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time we had sex this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's.
12. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut ya up.
13. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?
14. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.
15. I thought we only celebrated important events?
16. Having sex doesn't count as a gift?
17. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.
18. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about sex.
19. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.

Anniversaries and birthdays
Complicate my life.
I'm an absent-minded husband
Of a present-minded wife.

There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"

What is the difference between inlaws and outlaws?
→ Outlaws are wanted! or You can shoot outlaws!

What is the difference between a vulture and your mother-in-law?
→ Vultures wait until your dead to pick on you.

A person receives a telegram informing about his mother-in-law's death.

It also enquires him whether she should be buried or cremated.

He replies:

- Don't take chances. Burn the body and bury the ashes!