Marriage Jokes

This guy took his nymphomaniac wife to the sex therapist for treatment.

- This is one hot potato of a lady, doctor - he said - Maybe you can do something for her? She goes for any man, any age, any time, anywhere and it is just driving me crazy with jealousy.

- We'll see - the therapist said. He directed the wife into his examining room, closed the door behind her, and told her to get undressed. Then he told her to get up onto the examining table on her stomach.

The moment he touched her buttocks, she began to squirm and moan. It was too much for him to resist, so he climbed up on top of her and began screwing her.

The husband suddenly hears the moans and groans coming from the examination room. Very suspicious, he bursts into the room and is confronted by the sight of the doctor astride his wife and banging away.

- Doctor, what are you doing?!? - he asked.

Flustered, the therapist replied:

- Oh, it's you! I'm only taking your wife's temperature!

The husband pulled out a large pocket knife and began to hone it deliberately on his sleeve.

- Well, doc - he said - when you take that thing out, it better have numbers on it!

A guy went to his doctor full of anger.

- Doc - he said - I feel like killing my wife. You've got to help me. Please tell me what I should do.

The doctor thought for a moment.

- Look - he said - here are some pills. Take these twice a day and they'll allow you to fuck your wife six time a day. If you do this for thirty days, you'll finally screw her to death. And the autopsy will just show that she died of heart failure during sex.

- Wonderful, doc - said the grateful patient.

- I'll start with this right away.

He left with the bottle of pills and a smile on his face.

Nearly a month passed. One day, while on a medical convention, the doctor passed by the patient coming down the sidewalk in a wheelchair, just barely managing to move forward.

- What happened? - asked the doctor.

- What happened to your wife?

- Don't worry, doc - the patient reassured him - two more days and she'll be dead.

A therapist told a woman to use some imagination while making love with her husband to spice things up.

She replied:

- You mean imagine that it's good?!

A woman went to see a sex therapist with a peculiar problem.

- My husband - she said - always falls asleep with his erect penis inside of me.

- Is that a problem? - asked the therapist.

- Well - she said - the problem is he walks in his sleep!

A young couple left the sex therapist's office determined to develop more effective body language.

- Alright - said the husband - when I want sex, I'll rub your right breast. When I don't want sex, I'll rub your left breast.

- Okay - said the wife - What should I do then?

- Well, when you want to have sex - he told her - rub my penis once. When you don't want any sex, rub it 200 times.

Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest. - Prof. Irwin Corey

Love matches are made by people who are content, for a month of honey, to condemn themselves to a life of vinegar. - Countess of Blessington

I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again. - Noel Coward, 1956

Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give. - Cass Daley

I'd marry again if I found a man who had 15 million and would sign over half of it to me before the marriage and guarantee he'd be dead within a year. - Bette Davis

Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses. - Lord Dewar

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about 'short' and 'cheap'? - Phyllis Diller

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and fight. - Phyllis Diller

It destroys one's nerves to be amiable everyday to the same human being. - Benjamin Disraeli

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother. - Ken Dodd

Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences. - Isadora Duncan

Many a man that could rule a hundherd millyon sthrangers with an ir'n hand is careful to take off his shoes in the front hallway whin he comes home late at night. - Finley Peter Dunne, "Mr. Dooley On Making A Will", 1919

There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards - only physics and war hold him in check. And the wife who wants him home by five, of course. - Encyclopaedia Apocryphia

Ne'er take a wife till thou hast a house (and a fire) to put her in. - Benjamin Franklin

A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive. - Bruce Friedman

Choose a wife by your ear than your eye. - Thomas Fuller, 1732

Husbands are like fires. They go out if unattended. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Goethe

Thank heaven. A bachelor's life is no life for a single man. - Samuel Goldwyn, immigrant-turned-famous-movie-producer, when told his son was getting married

When Baby's cries grew hard to bear I popped him in the Frigidaire. I never would have done so if I'd known that he'd be frozen stiff. My wife said:

- George, I'm so unhappy! Our darling's now completely frappe! - Graham

If I were a girl, I'd despair. The supply of good women far exceeds that of the men who deserve them. - Robert Graves

A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands. - Sacha Guitry

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry

An ideal wife is one who remains faithful to you but tries to be just as charming as if she weren't. - Sacha Guitry

The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism are one, and that one is Marxism. - Heidi Hartmann [The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism]

If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married. - Katherine Hepburn

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. - Katherine Hepburn

Bigamy is one way of avoiding the painful publicity of divorce and the expense of alimony. - Oliver Herford

Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise. - John Heywood

Love is only the game that is not called on account of darkness. - M. Hirschfield

Love is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important. - Lisa Hoffman

It is amazing at how small a price may the wedding ring be placed upon a worthless hand; but, by the beauty of our law, what heaps of gold are indispensable to take it off! - Douglas Jerold, 1858

Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything in the house. - Jean Kerr

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. - Sam Kinison

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. - Marvin Kitman

Marriage is a lottery, but you can't tear up your ticket if you lose. - F. M. Knowles

Harpo, she's a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one. - Oscar Levant to Harpo Marx upon meeting Harpo's fiancee

I have come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying, and for this reason, I can never be satisfied with anyone who would be blockhead enough to have me. - Abraham Lincoln in a letter to Mrs. O.H. Browning, April 1, 1838

Jimmy Carter as President is like Truman Capote marrying Dolly Parton. The job is just too big for him. - Rich Little

Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth. - John Lyly

For the memory of love is sweet, though the love itself were in vain. And what I have lost of pleasure, assuage what I find of pain. - Lyster

The best way to get husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they are too old to do it. - Shirley MacLaine

In a novel, the hero can lay ten girls and marry a virgin for the finish. In a movie, that is not allowed. The villain can lay anybody he wants, have as much fun and as he wants cheating, stealing, getting rich, and whipping servants. But you have to shoot him in the end. - Herman Mankiewicz

I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me. - Dick Martin

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. - Groucho Marx

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. - Groucho Marx

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does. - Groucho Marx

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. - Jackie Mason

Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands... but English women only hope to find in their butlers. - W. Somerset Maugham

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage. - James Holt McGavran

Marriage was all a woman's idea and for man's acceptance of the pretty yoke, it becomes us to be grateful. - Phyllis McGinley

Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. - H. L. Mencken

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too. - H. L. Mencken

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. - H.L. Mencken

Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another. - H. L. Mencken

Love is an emotion that is based on an opinion of women that is impossible for those who have had any experience with them. - H. L. Mencken

Man is a natural polygamist. He always has one woman leading him by the nose and another hanging on to his coattails. - H. L. Mencken

Whenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage, they are giving evidence at an inquest. - H. L. Mencken

Love cures people, both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it. - Dr. Karl Menninger

A lover tries to stand in well with the pet dog of the house. - Moliere

Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. - Montaigne

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. - Montaigne

If a relationship is to evolve, it must go through a series of endings. - Lisa Moriyama, July 3, 1989

A husband is a guy who tells you when you've got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick. - Ogden Nash

To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up. - Ogden Nash

A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy. - Nietzsche

Love matches, so called, have illusion for their father and need for their mother. - Neitzsche

Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife. - PJ O'Rourke

No woman marries for money; they are all clever enough, before marrying a millionaire, to fall in love with him first. - Cesare Pavese

A White House well filled, a little peanut field well tilled, and a wife who will go to the Bronx are great riches. - Poor Jimmy's Almanac

It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out next morning it was someone else. - Rogers

A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. - Helen Rowland

When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one. - Helen Rowland

When you see what some girls marry, you realize how they must hate to work for a living. - Helen Rowland

In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced. - Helen Rowland

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita Rudner

If you never want to see a man again, say, "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children..."; they leave skid marks. - Rita Rudner

Happy Vasectomy, Eric. Your loving wife and children: Chris, Aida, George, Carol, Yolanda, Joan, Shirley, Susan, Anita, Aileen, Jackie, Shelia, Bruce, Dean, Frank and Maxine. - Rolling Stone Classified Ad

Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. - Scottish Proverb

Love, you can't start it like a car, you can't stop it with a gun. - George Bernard Shaw

One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten:

- Give little, give seldom, and above all, give grudgingly.

Otherwise, what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust. - Ruth Smythers, Marriage advice for women, 1894

I'd like to get married because I like the idea of a man being required by law to sleep with me every night. - Carrie Snow

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher...and that is a good thing for any man. - Socrates

Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and through the nose of the gentleman. - Herbert Spencer

Someone once asked me why women don't gamble as much as men do and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don't have as much money. That was a true but incomplete answer. In fact, women's total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage. - Gloria Steinem

If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments. A life without love in it is like a heap of ashes upon a deserted hearth; with the fire dead, the laughter stilled, and the light extinguished. - Frank P. Tebbetts

At American weddings, the quality of food is inversely proportional to the social position of the bride and the groom. - Calvin Trillin

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner

I do not see the EEC as a great love affair. It is more like nine desperate middle-aged couples with failing marriages meeting at a Brussels hotel for a group grope. - Tynan

The first time you buy a house, you see how pretty the paint is and buy it. The second time, you look to see if the basement has termites. It's the same with husbands. - Lupe Valez

Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. - Voltaire

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution. - Mae West

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others. - Oscar Wilde

Long engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each other's character before marriage, which is never advisable. - Oscar Wilde

Why are women so much more interesting to men than men are to women? - Virginia Woolf

Marriage has driven more than one man to sex.

Marriage is a ceremony that turns your dreamboat into a barge.

Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.

Marriage is a rest period between romances.

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Marriage is a trip between Niagra Falls and Reno.

Marriage is an institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

Marriage is better when both the husband and wife decide that what they have is better than what they are missing.

Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo...

Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.

Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.

Marriage is like a violin. After the music is over, you still have the strings.

Marriage is mind over matter; if the husband doesn't mind, it doesn't matter..

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Marriage is the high sea for which no compass has yet been invented.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.

Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of person your spouse would have really preferred.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.

Marriage still confers one very special privilege, only a married person can get divorced.

Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, so are thunder and lightning.

A best man's speech should be like a mini-skirt; short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover the bare essentials.

A chiseler is a man who goes stag to a wife-swapping party.

A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.

A good husband is one who thinks almost as much of his wife as he does of himself.

A good woman is like a good bar...liquor in the front and poker in the rear.

A honeymoon should be like a table...four bare legs and no drawers.

A husband expects his wife to be perfect...and to understand why he's not.