Marriage Jokes

This 55-year-old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed, laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says:

- You look ridiculous; what on earth are you doing?

She says:

- I just got the results of my annual physical and my doctor said I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old.

She starts laughing and jumping again.

He says:

- Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 55-year-old ass?

She says:

- Your name never came up!

A frustrated wife decided her sex life needed spicing up.

After work, she went shopping and picked up a pair of crotchless panties. She went home and donned the new garment, and selected a short skirt to go with it.

She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from him as she sipped a drink.

She slowly spread her legs ...

- Honey would you like some of this? - she asked enticingly.

- Hell no! - he gasped, look what it's done to your underwear!

- I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love - the husband told the counselor.

- Has she started to neglect you?

- Not at all - the dejected man replied.

- She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she's a great cook, the house is always neat, and she keeps the kids out of my hair. She even lets me choose the television shows we watch.

- So what's the problem?

- Maybe I'm just being too sensitive - the husband ventured, but at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers:

- Die! Die, you son of a bitch!

1. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
2. It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
3. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was damned near impossible.
4. A man complaining to a friend:

- I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman ... then ...pow!...it was.. all gone!

- What happened? - asked the friend.

- Ahhh my wife found out!

5. Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
6. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
7. A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife:

- Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!

Martha responds excitedly:

- Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?!

The man responds:

- I don't care... just so long as you're out of the house by noon!

8. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful.
9. A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.
10. If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose would you go to lunch or to a movie?
11. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he's finished.

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, it being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire week's wages.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him:

- How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?

To which he replied:

- That would be fine with me.

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Gravely ill, the Skipper was examined by a doctor while his wife stood by.

After the examination the physician motioned for her to meet him in the hallway.

- Your husband is very sick - the doctor said. Still, you can do three things to ensure his survival.

- First, fix him three healthy meals a day.

- Next, give him a stress-free environment and don't complain about anything.

- Finally, have sex and oral sex with him every day.

The doctor left and the woman returned to her husband's room.

- What did the doctor say? - he asked.

- I'm sorry, m'dear - she said, but he said you're not going to make it.

A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.

- Listen to this - he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover.

- Yeah - his wife nodded, and it has your weight wrong, too!

If your wife comes out of the kitchen and starts complaining, what does that mean?
→ Her chain is to long!

A married couple was invited to a Halloween party. That night, as they were getting ready to go out, the wife said she had developed a migraine headache and had to stay home. She told her husband to go to the party without her.

- Don't let me spoil a good time for you, - she said.

After further discussion, the husband put his costume on and went to the party. The wife took some aspirin and went to bed.

After sleeping for a while, she woke feeling much better and decided to go to the party and surprise her husband. As she was getting ready, she thought to herself:

- I wonder what my husband really does when I'm not around.

She then got into a different costume, so her husband wouldn't recognize her, and went to the party. Getting there, she stood off to the side and watched. There was her husband dancing with one girl after another and getting very physical with them.

She decided to see just how far he would go. She went up to him and started dancing with him, got very close and whispered that they should go outside. Going to one of the cars, they made love. Prior to the midnight unmasking, she left and went home to wait for her husband to return so she could confront him.

He arrived home about 1:00 a.m. and climbed into bed.

She sat up and asked:

- Well, how was the party?

He replied:

- It was no fun without you honey.

She said:

- I don't believe you. I bet you had lots of fun!

He replied:

- Really, Honey. When I got to the party, some of the guys and I got bored and we went downstairs and played poker all night.

But you know, that guy I loaned my costume to had one hell of a great time!

My father and mother were recently celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. While cutting the cake, my mother was moved after seeing my father's eyes fill with tears. Mother took his arm, and looked at him affectionately.

- I never knew you were so sentimental - she whispered.

- No, no - he said, choking back his tears:

- that's not it at all.

Remember when your father found us in the barn and told me to either marry you or spend the next 50 years in jail?

- Yes - my mother replied.

- I remember it like yesterday.

- Well - said my father:

- today I would have be a free man!