Random joke from this category
A husband and wife enter a dentist's office. The Wife says:
- I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.
- You're a brave woman - says the dentist.
- Now, show me which tooth it is.
The wife turns to her husband and says:
- Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says:
- Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?
The third fellow says:
- I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.
The first two guys were amazed.
- Wow! What happened then? - they asked.
The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered:
- She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'
A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man:
- This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing:
- What's so funny? - asks the clerk.
- I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house - the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says:
- Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off.
The man takes another look through the scope and says:
- You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!
I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was almost fucking impossible!
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
What does "WIFE" stand for?
→ Washing Ironing Food Entertainment
A man was walking across the road when he had an accident. The impact was on his head which caused him to be comatose for two days before he finally regained consciousness. When he opened his eyes, his wife was there beside him.
He held her hands and said meaningfully:
- You have always been by my side. When I was a struggling University student, I failed again and again. And sometimes, even my re-papers as well. You were there beside me, encouraging me to go on trying...
She squeezed his hands as he continued:
- When I went for all the major interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there beside me, cutting out more adverts for me to apply....
He continued:
- Then I started work at this little firm and finally got to handle a big contract. I blew it because of one little mistake. And you were there beside me.
- Then I finally got another job after being laid off for some time. But I never seem to be promoted and my hard work was not recognised. As such, I remained in the same position from the day I joined the company till now... And you were still beside me...
Her eyes brimmed with tears as she listened to her husband:
- And now I had an accident and when I woke up, you are here beside me...
- There's something I'd really like to say to you...
She flung herself on the bed to hug her husband, sobbing with emotion. He said:
- You're a friggin jinx!
A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said:
- Honey be very careful when you drive the ball-don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix.
The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said:
- I told you to watch out for the houses! Alright let's go up there, apologize, and see how much that's going to cost.
They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say:
- Come on in.
They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side on the foyer. A man on the couch said:
- Are you the people that broke the window?
- Uh yeah. Sorry about that - the husband replied.
- No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes - I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself.
- OK great! - the husband said.
- I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.
- No problem - it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want? - the genie said, looking at the wife.
- I want a house in every country of the world - she said.
- Consider it done. - the genie replied.
- And what's your wish genie? - the husband said.
- Well, since I have been trapped in that bottle, I havn't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife.
The husband looks at the wife and said:
- Well we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess it would be alright.
The genie took the wife upstairs, and ravished her for two hours.
After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife and said:
- How old is your husband, anyway?
- 35. - she replied.
- And he still believes in genies??? That's amazing!
A couple is doing yard work and the wife goes to take a shower. Her husband is looking for a rake and can't find it. He yells up to his wife:
- Where's the rake?
She replies by nodding her arms like she can't hear.
So he points to his eye (I), hits his knee (need), then makes raking motions.
She replies by pointing to her eye, grabbing her left breast, slapping her ass, then rubbing her crotch. He runs upstairs and says:
- What?!
She says:
- I left tit behind the bush.
