Marriage Jokes

What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
→ Marriage.

What's the difference between your wife and your job?
→ After 5 years your job will still suck.

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend5.0 to Husband1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend5.0.

In addition, Husband1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL5.0 and NBA3.0. Conversation8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning2.6 simply crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

--Desperate

Dear Desperate,
Keep in mind, Boyfriend5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband1.0 is an operating system.

Try to enter the command: C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears6.2. Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty3.0 and Flowers7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband1.0 to default to GrumpySilence2.5, Happyhour7.0 or Beer6.1.

Beer6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband1.0.

In summary, Husband1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood3.0 and Lingerie5.3.

Good Luck! Tech Support

Why do they have Feta cheese at a Greek wedding?
→ To keep the flies off the bride!

BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER AND TASTIER, TOO.

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.

I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

I can't dial 911. There's no 11 on my phone.

Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names.

JESUS LOVES YOU. It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was, "Always".

What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded firestation?

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

1955 - 1975: 36 Elvis Movies. 1975 - 1998: Nothing.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

Don't get married. Find someone you hate and buy them a house.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. Or, dirty martini holder.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

THE BILL OF RIGHTS... (Void where prohibited by law)

If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.

The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.

First draw the curve, then plot the data.

A FOOL AND HIS MONEY can throw one hell of a party.

IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?

When blondes have more fun do they know it?

REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD ARE BELOW AVERAGE.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

WHERE THERE'S SMOKE, THERE'S DINNER.

OTHER THAN THAT, MRS.. LINCOLN, HOW WAS THE PLAY?

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.

- Bridegroom: Dear, we've been back from the Caribbean for a month now. We've been in our apartment now for nearly a month. Isn't it time we were alone?

- Bride: But darling, we are alone, aren't we?

- Bridegroom: What I mean is, when can we get your mother out of here?

- Bride: MY mother! I thought she was YOUR mother!!!

After the annual office Christmas party blowout, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

- Louise, tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think? - he moaned.

- Even worse - she assured him, voice dripping with scorn.

- You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the President of the company to his face.

- He's an asshole - piss on him!

- You did - Louise informed him.

- And he fired you.

- Well, screw him! - said John.

- I did. You're back at work on Monday!

A man and woman were celebrating their 50 year anniversary. That night, the woman comes out of the bathroom completely naked and looks at her husband who is already in bed. She says:

- Honey, 50 years ago tonight, when I came out of the bathroom with no clothes on, what were you thinking?

He said:

- I was thinking that I wanted to suck your titties dry and fuck you until you couldn't think straight.

She smiled at him and said:

- So what are you thinking now?

He said:

- I think I did a pretty good job!

The FBI puts an Ad in the newspaper, "Wanted FBI agents." After sorting through all the applicants they narrow it down to three. They bring the first in for an interview and the interviewing agent says to the gentleman:

- We are the FBI, we solemnly do the duty of the country and always put the country before ourselves. Anything asked of us, we must do. Whether we like it or not. All our agents must be totally loyal.

The guy responds that he always wanted to be an FBI agent and it has been his dream.

The agent then pulls out a gun and puts it on the table:

- Please, go into the next room where your wife is and shoot her.

The gentleman gets a repulsed look upon his face:

- I can't do that. She is my wife and I love her with all my heart!

The agent than says that he just isn't FBI material, but thanks him for coming down.

They then bring in the second man. The agent goes over the speel of loyalty for the country above all else.

- I always wanted to be an agent, my lifelong goal it was ever since I was a school boy - he replies.

The agent than proceeds to pull out the gun and place it on the table:

- Please, go into the next room and shoot your wife - FBI agent says, calmly.

The man than replies:

- I can't do that, although we have our problems, I can't kill her. She is the mother of my three kids...she's just too important.

The agent offers his respect, but with regret tells him that he just isn't FBI material.

Finally, the third gentleman is brought in. They go over the speel and the agent puts the gun on the table and asks him to go shoot his wife. The man nods, takes the gun and enters the next room.

Five or six shots are heard and then are proceeded by sounds of things slamming into the wall, tables splintering and shattering, muffled screams and metal bending. The FBI agent runs to the room with astonishment and confusion on his face.

- What did you do?

The man calmly replies:

- The gun was full of blanks, so I had to beat her to death with a chair!

A couple's having dinner in a restaurant when their waitress, standing a few tables away, watches as the guy slides all the way down his chair and out of sight. The woman across from him seems to not notice.

The waitress comes over and says:

- Excuse me, Ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.

The woman says:

- No he didn't, he just walked in the door.