Marriage Jokes

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says:

- Hey, Dave, how ya doin?

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

- Oh no, - says Dave.

- He's on my bowling team.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says:

- You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.

- No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave.

- Hi Davey, - she says.

- Want your usual table dance?

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says:

- Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.!

What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on his wedding night?
→ "Now I know why you called your company Microsoft"

A man driving on the highway is pulled up by a police officer on a bike.

The officer says:

- Pull over,

and the driver pulls over to the side of the road.

He says:

- I'm sorry, officer, was I speeding?

The police officer says:

- No, mate, but your wife fell out of the car a mile back.

The man replies:

- Oh, that explains it. I thought I was going deaf!

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.

The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said:

- Cool!... It really works!

Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer (JenJohnson@AOL.com).

Unfortunately, he forgot his wife's exact email address and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson (JJohnson@AOL.com) of New Jersey, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away.

The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted.

When she was finally revived by her daughter, she nervously pointed to the message, which read:

- Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here.

The young newly married Catholic couple were regular attendants at Mass. As like all newly married couples, they were in a constant state of arousal. Well they didn't want to do anything wrong so they approached their Parish Priest for advice.

- Father, - the young couple asked ... is it ok to have sex before Mass?

The not so young Priest responded after a few moments of reflection ...:

- yes my children it's ok to have sex before Mass .. but please don't block the aisles...

A preacher was giving a sermon to a full church when all of a sudden the devil appeared. He was menacing and threatening and the entire congregation started to flee the church except for one old man.

When the church was empty the devil went up to the man and asked:

- aren't you afraid of me, I'm evil incarnate, the most horrific being in the universe and will most likely torture you!

The man replied:

- You don't scare me, I've been married to your sister for 35 years.

Otis, Henry, and Tom were sitting in a bar discussing their wives. Henry started by saying:

- I think my wife is fooling around on me. I went home the other day and found a hammer and a saw under our bed. I think she is cheatin' on me with a carpenter!

Tom answered:

- Ya, I think my wife is not faithful either. The other day I went home and found a pipe wrench and some pipes under my bed. I think she is cheatin' on me with a plumber!

Otis then joins in and says:

- Well, if you think that's bad, I've got one for ya. I went home yesterday and found a cowboy under my bed. I think my Lina is cheatin' on me with a horse!

A woman goes into her lawyers office requesting a divorce. He is taking all of her background information and asks her:

- Do you have grounds for a divorce?

To which she replies:

- Well, we have three acres.

- No, ma'am. What I mean is, does he beat you up? - asks the attorney.

- No, I get up around 6:30 and he sleeps until 7:00 - she responds.

Feeling a little frustrated the attorney asks:

- Lady, tell me, do you have a grudge?

Looking very confident she states:

- No, we have a carport.

At this point the lawyer has lost his patience and asks:

- Look, Lady. Why the heck do you want a divorce?

- Because he can't hold an intelligent conversation!

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So, she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.

The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.

Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked:

- What are those for?

The elderly gentleman replied:

- There are just two things I can't stand... the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber!