Marriage Jokes

"And will there be anything else, sir?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two.
"No thank you," the gentleman replied. "That will be all."

As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife?" he asked.
"Yeah! That's a good idea," the fellow said. "Please bring up a postcard."

A traveller pulls into a hotel around midnight and asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby.
After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.

"Fancy meeting my wife here," he says to the clerk.
"Guess I'll need a double room for the night."

Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000.
"What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk.
"I've only been here one night!"

"Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for three weeks."

- Were you in Paris on your vacation?

- I don't know, my wife got the tickets.

Two men were having a drink together.
One said, "I'd rather live with a vampire than with my wife."
"Why's that?" asked the other.
"Because she's always trying to bite my head off," he replied.

For a weddin' present Ledbetter gave his son Amos two hundred dollars. Two weeks later he asked him, "W'atcha do with the money, son?"

"Ah bought me a wristwatch, Pappy!" answered the boy.

"Yew dumb ignoramous!" yelled his father. "Yew should 'av bought yoreself a rifle!"

"A rifle? What fer?"

"Suppos'n one day yew cum home and find some guy sleepin' wid yore wife," explained the older redneck.

"W'atcha gonna do? Wake him up and ask him what time it is?"

- Now that we are engaged I hope you'll give me a ring.

- Of course. What's your phone number?

What do you get if you cross a telephone and a marriage bureau?
→ A wedding ring!

How did the telephones get married?
→ In a double ring ceremony!

Harry was madly in love with Betty, but couldn't pluck up enough courage to pop the question face to face. Finally he decided to ask her on the telephone.

'Darling!' he blurted out, 'will you marry me?'

'Of course, I will, you silly boy,' she replied, 'who is it speaking?'

A man and a couple of his friends had just finished a round of golf at the country club and they were changing their shoes when a cell phone on the bench rang. The man picked it up and answered it.

"Hi honey," said the woman on the other end.

"Hi honey," replied the man.

"I was just calling to tell you about this fur coat I found today. It's beautiful fox fur and I just love the way it looks on me. It's on sale too, a real bargain. It's down to $2000 from $4000. Can I get it?"

The man thought about it for a sec and said, "You're sure it's a good deal?"

"Oh yes," replied the woman.

"Okay then, I guess you can get it," replied the man.

The woman continued, "Oh, and you know how we've been thinking about getting rid of the Lexus and getting a new Jaguar? Well, I went to the dealership today and the guy gave me a real deal. He said he'd lower the price from $50,000 to $35,000 just for me. Can I get it?"

The man thought a little harder and said, "If you're sure it's a good deal, then yes, go ahead and get the Jaguar."

The woman continued again. "Oh, one last thing, honey. Remember that house we saw last month that we really liked, but decided we'd wait and think about? Well, it's on the market again, so I checked the price. It's down to $450,000 and I checked with the bank and we have enough in the checking account so that I can just write a check. Should I get it?"

The man got a frown on his face and said, "See if you can get them down to $420,000. If they'll go down to that, go ahead and get it."

The woman was extremely excited. "Okay honey, thank you so much! I'll see you when I get home! Bye!"

"Bye," said the man. He hung up the phone and looked at the other men in the locker room and said, "Does anyone know whose phone this is?"