Marriage Jokes

Why do men die before their wives?
→ They want to.

My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by up to 90%.
→ It's called wedding cake.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months!
→ I don't like to interrupt her.

How do rain drops marry?
→ They coalesce

There was a communist named Rudolph. One day he looked out the window and said, "It looks like a storm is coming." "No it isn't," said his wife. "Besides, how would you know?"
"Because," he responded, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee listening to the weather report on the radio.

"There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared," the weather report said.

"You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets."
Ole said, "Jeez, okay," and got up from his coffee. The next day they were sitting down with their morning cups of coffee.

The weather forecast was, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets."

Again Ole replied, "Jeez, okay," and got up from his coffee. Two days later, again they're sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast said, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the..." and the power went out and Ole didn't get the rest of the instructions.

He turned to Lena, "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?" Lena replied, "Aw, Ole, just leave the car in the damned garage today."

- If you know the food here is so lousy, why do you keep coming back?

- It reminds me of my ex-wife's cooking.

Why did Mrs. Smokey the Bear divorce Smokey the Bear?
→ Because every time she got hot, he'd beat her with a shovel!

A couple were being given a guided tour of Pico da Bandeira, one of the highest mountains in the Americas. Their guide pointed out where a young couple, petrified by lava, had been discovered. They had died in the act of making love.

"How awful!" exclaimed the wife.

"Si, but what a great way to spend eternity." added the husband.