Lawyer Jokes

How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
→ Never enough.

How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine?
→ Only one if you run him through slowly!

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
→ Cut the rope.

Have you seen the current remake of the movie "Cape Fear"? It's about a deranged psychotic who is seeking revenge against a lawyer. The question is, while watching the movie, whom do you root for?

- First person: Do you know how to save five lawyers who are drowning?

- Second person: No.

- First person: Good!

Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers? People were confused about which side to spit on.

Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titantic.

A convicted con man was recently found to be impersonating a lawyer in New York City. To which one judge remarked, "I should have suspected he wasn't a lawyer. He was always so punctual and polite."

"Excuse me," a young fellow said to an older librarian, "I've just moved here and I wonder if this town has any criminal lawyers."

"Well," replied the librarian, "I have lived here all my life and all I can tell you is we are pretty sure we do, but no one has been able to prove it yet."

A persistent job-seeker once appeared before President Lincoln and demanded an appointment to a judgeship. He was informed that there were no vacancies. The next day, while walking along the river, he saw a drowned man being pulled out, and recognized him as a federal judge.

He ran back to the White House and demanded the position. "Sorry," said the President, "but the lawyer who saw that judge fall in beat you here by a good five minutes."