Lawyer Jokes

An older woman was in the pastoral study counceling for her upcoming fourth wedding.

"Father," she said, "How am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?"

"My child, you have been a married woman for many years. Surely that cannot be," he replied.

"Well Father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk. The next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it tomorrow. The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look at it. But this time, Father, I'm marrying a lawyer, so I'm sure I'm going to get screwed this time!"

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer." The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer." That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"

A guy in a bar. The bartender asks him "What'll you have?". The guy answers, "A scotch, please". The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars", to which he replies "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this".

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which consitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration". The bartender's not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again".

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the hell are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!". The guy says "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life", to which the bartender replies "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

To which the guy replies "Thank you! Make it a scotch."

No lawyers allowed- Prosecutors will be violated!

If two lawyers were drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you read the paper or go to lunch?

What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a dishonest lawyer?
→ Chelsea

A Frenchman was arrested and charged with having sex with a dead woman. "How do you plead?" asked the judge.

- Guilty or not guilty.

- Not guilty, replied the man.

- On what grounds? queried the judge.

- I didn't think she was dead....

I thought she was an American.

A man was called to witness that a couple had been making love in a park.

- The witness: They were fucking, your honor.

- The judge: Could the witness put it in a more Shakespearean way?

- The witness: The park was Dark but caused no fear / Until tiny sounds came to my ear / There was this couple on the ground there / and his balls were dangling in the air / and you know his what was in her you know where / If that wasn't fucking, your Honor, I wasn't there.

How can you tell if someone is half Catholic and half Jewish?
→ When he goes to confession, he takes a lawyer with him.

A priest and a lawyer are walking down the street and see a small boy eating an ice cream. The priest says, "How'd you like to fuck that?" To which the lawyer replied, "Out of what?"

A lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accident.

The two were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter asked the lawyer his name and looked it up in his book. He then asked the Pope for his name, and looked it up in his book also. "Now, if you will come with me, I will show you your eternal dwellings," said St. Peter. They walked along the clouds and came to a huge mansion with all sorts of lavish trappings. St. Peter turned to the lawyer and told him this was to be his house. The Pope, knowing how important he was to the church could hardly imagine what his house would be like. St. Peter and the Pope continued on to a small, beat-up wooden shack. St. Peter told the Pope that this would be his dwelling. The Pope, shocked, said to St. Peter, "Just a minute! That other guy was a lawyer and he gets a mansion. I was the head of the Roman Catholic church, and this is all the reward I get?" St. Peter looked at the Pope and said "True, you have done great things. But we have lots of Popes in Heaven, and that guy was the first lawyer ever to make it up here."