Lawyer Jokes

A lawyer passed on and found himself in Heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations.

He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment. The lawyer immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard. The lawyer protested that a three-year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears.

The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the lawyer was willing to change venue to Hell. The lawyer asked: "Why can appeals be heard so much sooner in Hell?"

The devil answered: "We have all of the judges."

It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives. When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to get married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have to wait.

It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They were married in a simple ceremony. So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time, that eternity was best not spent together. They went back to St. Peter, and said: "We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we can get divorced?" "Are you kidding?" said St. Peter.

"It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry you. I will never get a lawyer!"

Two men are meeting on the street.

- It was very cold this morning.

- How cold was it?

- I do not no exactly, but I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it, "I am sorry, but my workload is so tremendous that I am not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I shall have to get back to you then." He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for you?" "Nothing," replied the man. "I am here to hook up your phone."

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.

Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbour of his. The neighbour happened to be a lawyer. Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbour and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98." A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: "Legal Consultation Service: $150."

On visting a seriously ill lawyer in the hospital, his friend found him sitting up in the bed, frantically leafing through the bible. "What are you doing?" asked the friend. "Looking for loopholes," repied the lawyer.

A hill country husband died and left everything to his wife.

He put a provision in his will though that she couldn't touch any of it until she turned 14.

What is the worst thing about our justice system?
→ You're leaving your fate in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
→ How many can you afford?

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
→ The real question is: How much can the light bulb afford to be screwed for?