Lawyer Jokes

Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100.

She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that it was stuck to another $100 bill.

On seeing the two bills stuck together, the ethical question came to the attorney's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice.

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense lawyer.

Taylor was desperate for business, and was happy to be appointed by the court to defend an indigent defendant. The judge ordered Taylor, "You are to confer with the defendant in the hallway, and give him the best legal advice you can."

After a time, Taylor re-entered the courtroom alone.

When the judge asked where the defendant had gone, Taylor replied, "You asked me to give him good advice. I found out that he was guilty, so I told him to split."

One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students, "Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?" The student replied, "Here's an orange." The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!" The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, calim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding..."

What are the three questions most commonly asked by lawyers?1. How much money do you have?2. Where can you get more?3. Do you have anything you can sell? --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?

A: Only three. The balance are documented case histories. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------There's an interesting new novel about two ex-convicts. One of them studies to become a lawyer, the other decides to go straight.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Lawyers are safe from the threat of automation taking over their professions. No one would build a robot to do nothing.

Have you seen the current remake of the movie "Cape Fear?"

It's about a deranged psychotic who is seeking revenge against a lawyer.

The question is, while watching the movie, for whom do you root?

A doctor was vacationing at the seashore with his family. Suddenly, he spotted a fin sticking up in the water and fainted. "Darling, it was just a shark," assured his wife when he came to. "You've got to stop imagining that there are lawyers everywhere."

Two prisoners are talking about their crimes:George: "I robbed a bank, and they gave me 20 years"Herman: "Hmm. I killed a man, and I'm here for 3 days"George: "WHAT??? I rob a bank and get 20 years; you kill a man and get 3 days???"

Herman: "Yeah, it was a lawyer."

`You seem to be in some distress,' said the kindly judge to the witness. `Is anything the matter?'`Well, your Honour,' said the witness, `I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects.'

Nugent needed legal advice, so he walked into the office of Gregory, Ellis and Gregory. Nugent sat down at the desk of the senior member of the firm.

"If you're not rally in bad trouble, I'll take the case," said Gregory. "If you're in a real jam and want to get out of it, my partner will handle it.

If, on the other hand, you're not involved and want to get in trouble, my on, who just graduated from law school, will take it!"