Kids Jokes

- Knock Knock.

- Who's there?

- Stan.

- Stan who?

- Stan back or I'll be sick on your shoe!!!!

One day at the end of class little Johnny's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand:

- My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road.

The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies:

- Don't keep all your eggs in one basket.

Next is little Lucy:

- Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched.

The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies:

- Don't count your eggs before they're hatched.

Last is little Johnny:

- My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands.

Teacher looks in shock at Johnny and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.

Johnny replies:

- Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's been drinking!

One day at school, the teacher sees cuts and bruises all over little johnny's body. Worried, she asks him what happened.

He replies:

- Well, my parents are doing renovations in my room and I sleep with them. Last night, I woke and heard my father asking OK? and mom said OK so I asked OK what? So they got real angry and beat me up.

The next day, the teacher sees new cuts and bruises on little johnny's body so she asks him what happened and tells her the same thing. So she tells him not to say anything should the same thing occur tonight.

Next day at school, little johnny comes to class with a head band on his head and crutches with his face all blue and swollen.

When the teacher asks what happened, he says:

- Like you said, last night, when my dad asked OK? and mom said OK, I didn't say anything. After a while, they started moaning and groaning but still, I didn't say a thing until dad asked: did you come? and mom answered Yeah, I came and I said where were you?

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first.

One little girl raised her hand and said:

- I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God.

The teacher praises the little girl, as a little boy raised his hand.

The little boy says:

- I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love.

- Very good - said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. Oh no - she thought - I'm not gonna like this. Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?

Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says:

- Your feet.

The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first. He replied:

- Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm coming!'

One day Ms. Nelson, a kindergarden teacher, was giving a lesson on imagination. What she would do was hold an item behind her back, give a few descriptions of the item, and ask the kids to guess what it was. First she said to the children:

- I have something long and yellow behind my back.

The kids suggested a pencil. Ms. Nelson said:

- no, i'm holding a bannana, but I like you all's imagination.

Next she said:

- I have something round and red.

Little Johnny stood up and guessed it was a ball. Ms. Nelson told Johnny it was an apple but she liked Johnny's imagination. Johnny had an idea. He told his teacher:

- I have something in my pocket that's warm and it has a head on it.

Well Ms. Nelson got really upset and told Johnny he was to go to the principal's office for being soo dirty minded.

Little Johnny then said:

- No, Ms. Nelson, it's a quarter, but I LIKE YOU'RE IMAGINATION!!!

One day the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.

On the first Friday the teacher asks:

- How many grains of sand are on the beach? needless to say, no one could answer.

The following Friday, the teacher asks the class:

- How many stars are in the sky? and again no one could answer.

Frustrated little Johnny decides that the next Friday he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.

So Thursday night Johnny takes 2 ping pong balls and paints them black. The next day he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day just when the teacher says:

- here's this week's question - Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.

The teacher says:

- ok, who's the comedian with the black balls?

Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says:

- Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question:

- Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?

- None - replied Johnny - cause the rest would fly away.

- Well, the answer is four - said the teacher - but I like the way you're thinking.

Little Johnny says:

- I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?

- Well - said the teacher nervously - I guess the one sucking the cone.

- No - said Little Johnny - the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking.

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said:

- I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!

- That's right! - shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said:

- I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!

- That's right! - shouted the little girl.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son, little johnny. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.

- Is it wine? - she asked.

- No - little johnny answered.

The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.

- Is it champagne? - she asked.

- No - he answered.

Finally, the teacher said:

- I give up. What is it?

Little johnny replied:

- A puppy!

10 year old Johnny's mother, who was a hard working single mom, had been promising for some time now to buy poor Johnny a bike.

Johnny, who loved his Momma dearly, hadn't made a big deal about it for a long time, but suddenly decided NOW was the right time to ask. So he rushes downstairs to tell his Momma that he wanted his bike and he wanted it now.

He gets downstairs, looks around, doesn't see his mother, so he rushes back upstairs, opens the door to his mother's room and stops dead in his tracks, 'cause there was his Momma, laying stark naked on her bed, rubbing herself all over repeating:

- Oh, I need a man, Ohhh I need a man.

Johnny, who was naturally a little stunned by the sight, backs quietly out the door and goes back to his room.

Well, a few days passes and Johnny works up the nerve to once again tell his Mother that he wants his bike and he wants it NOW. So he rushes downstairs, doesn't see his mother, he rushes upstairs, opens Momma's door and there once again was his Mother, laying stark naked on the bed, Rubbing herself all over and repeating:

- Oh, I need a man. Ohhh, I need a man.

Once again he backs out quietly.

Well, this time it took little Johnny a bit longer to muster up the nerve to demand his bike, but he finally does and rushes downstairs, No Momma, so he rushes upstairs, throws Momma's door open and there to his amazement was his Momma, lying stark naked on her bed, but this time she had a man on top of her.

Johnny backs out of the room, walks quietly down the hall to his room and sits on his bed. He thinks about what he has just witnessed for a while and then, just like a bolt of lightning had struck, Johnny jumps up and screams:

- I GOT IT !!!!!!

JOHNNY PEELS ALL OF HIS CLOTHES OFF, LIES STARK NAKED ON HIS BED AND STARTS TO RUB ALL OVER HIMSELF REPEATING:

- OH, I NEED A BIKE, OOOOHHHHHHHH I NEED A BIKE

There was this family who lived in the country, and the father took his boy out shooting. When they came back later that day the father put his BB gun on the top of the stove and hurried to the bathroom.

He set it down so fast and hard that it opened and the BB's from the gun went right into mother's spagetti sauce. She had seen the BB's and just figured that they couldn't hurt anyone, so she just served dinner anyways.

Later that night the little girl ran down stairs saying:

- mommy mommy I just peed BB's! Well did it hurt you said the mom. No said the girl. Ok then don't worry it will go away.

Then the little boy runs down stairs:

- mommy mommy I just peed BB's! Well did it hurt she says? No says the boy. Ok then don't worry about it, it will go away.

Later that night the father rushes down the stairs with his pants down:

- honey, honey, I was just up stairs jacking off and I shot the dog!