Festival Jokes

Did you hear about the lady whose house was infested with Easter eggs?
→ She had to call an eggs-terminator!

Where did the Easter Bunny go to college?
→ Johns Hopkins!

What would you get if you crossed the Easter Bunny with a famous French general?
→ Napoleon Bunnyparte!

What is the Easter Bunny's favourite state capital?
→ Albunny, New York!

Once there was this guy, and he was driving in his car, and all of a sudden, he sees the Easter Bunny hopping on the road. Well, he was going too fast, and he didn't hit the brakes in time, so he hit the Easter Bunny.

He was really upset, and was thinking, "Oh no, what about all those poor little kids?? What can I do!?" Then, a blonde drove up in her car, and asked, "What's wrong?" "I hit the Easter Bunny!!" said the guy. "Oh, I know what to do," said the blonde, and she went into her car, got a can, and sprayed the Easter Bunny with it.

A few minutes later, the Easter Bunny got up, hopped a little bit, turned around and waved, hopped a little, turned around and waved, and it kept doing that. When the Easter Bunny was out of sight, the guy turned to the blonde and asked, "Wow, I'm dying to know what was in that can!!"

"Oh," said the blonde, "It was hair spray. It says, 'Spray on dead hair for permanent wave.'"

TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX

10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
11. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
12. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
13. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
14. It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.
15. Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
16. If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
17. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
18. Less guilt the morning after.
19. YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.

Top 10 Halloween Things That Sound Dirty...

10. She's a goblin!
11. I'd like to get a little something in the sack.
12. Let me see your bag.... OH!-You're having a great night!
13. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.
14. She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch
15. If you just lick it, it'll last longer.
16. Show me your JuJuBees and I'll let you see my Zagnuts.
17. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth,
18. You scared me stiff!
19. He's got Candy spread out on the living room floor!

THE TOP TEN REASONS TRICK-OR-TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX

10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
11. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
12. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
13. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
14. Person you're with doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
15. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.
16. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
17. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
18. Less guilt the next morning.

and, the #1 reason trick or treating is better than sex...

1. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT, YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR!

Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors d'oeuvres.

Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.

Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike.

Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano is missing.

You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless you rent your home and own firearms, in which case you can go to level 4.

Top 12 Rejected Public Holidays

12. Start of Christmas Season Day
13. False Labor Day
14. Make a Move on Your Secretary Day
15. Hallmark Card Day
16. Bring Your Handgun to Work Day
17. Newtsmas
18. Deadbeat Father's Day
19. Bad Hair Day
20. Put Your Daughter To Work Day
21. Doris Day
22. St. Hooter's Day

And the Number 1 Rejected Public Holiday...

1. Hash Wednesday