Random joke from this category
Hoffman and Puscas are bombed, watching the St. Patrick's Day Parade, when one of them drops his lit cigarette into a damp mattress that's been left out on the sidewalk.
The mattress starts to smoulder just as the blue-hair brigade, the Ladies' Auxiliary, is passing by. Hoffman takes a whiff, turns to Puscas, and says, "Man... you think maybe they're marching these ladies too fast?"
A guy was attending a masquerade Halloween Ball, and dancing with a girl who was wearing a map of Texas for a costume. Suddenly she slapped him hard and stalked off the dance floor.
"What the hell happened?" asked a friend who had witnessed the entire event.
"I'm not really sure." the man replied, rubbing his red cheek. "When she asked if I had ever been to Texas, I put my finger on Amarillo to show her, and she let me have it."
Level I: Your guests are conversing quietly, nibbling at their hors d'oerves, and sipping their drinks. Later, some of the gather by the piano to sing carols while others admire the ornaments on your tree.
Level II: Your guests are talking loudly, wolfing hors d'oerves, and drinking from the bottles. Some people gather by the piano to sing "I Gotta Be Me" while others begin rearranging your ornaments.
Level III: Your guests are arguing wildly among themselves, those that haven't passed out from the upside-down margaritas. One person is singing "I Can't Get No Satisfaction", which can barely be heard over the sound of breaking ornaments. A small group of guests begin placing hors d'oerves in the piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike.
Level IV: Your guests, hors d'oerves smeared over their naked bodies, are performing a ritualistic dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano is missing.
In general, you want to keep your party around Level III, unless you rent your home, have insurance, and are carrying firearms. The quickest way to get to Level III is egg-nog.
One year at halloween the governor was giving a costume party. All the gentry were there and as they arrived the doorman would announce what there characters were.
When one couple arrived he announced "Mickey and Minnie Mouse".
As the next couple arrived he announced "Tarzan and Jane" and so on as each guest arrived.
Later in the evening a man arrived dressed only in a pair of underpants but apart from that totally naked from head to toe.
"Who do you think you are?" demanded the doorman. Having ascertained that the man was indeed an invited guest from the local university CS department The doorman asked "How shall I announce you?"
The man said, "I'm premature ejaculation"
"I'm very sorry sir", said the doorman in obvious shock, "I cannot announce anything like that to such a gathering."
"O.K." said the professor. "Just say I came in my pants"
"I bet you don't know what day this is", said the wife to her husband as he made his way out the front door. The husband was perplexed, but was always a quick thinker: "Of course I do, my dear. How could I forget!?" With that, he turned and rushed to catch the bus for work. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.
The husband was smug when he returned from work, satisfied that he had recovered what could have been a very bad situation. His wife was indeed surprised: "First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed, "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"
On the night of a Halloween costume party a couple were having trouble picking suitable outfits. After a while the wife got mad and stormed out of the room. Fifteen minutes later she came back completely naked execpt for a lemon between her legs. The husband looked at her for a moment and then stormed out of the room himself. Twenty minutes passed and then he came back himself with a potato around his dick.
The wife gave him a wierd look and then the husband replied "If your going as a sour-puss, I going as a dictator".
What do true rednecks do on Halloween?
→ Pump kin.
TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX
The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field.
While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.
Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line.
When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus."
"Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"
I never actually grasped the whole "Trick or treat" ultimatum.
Giving candy to grateful, adorable children or receiving a bag of flaming animal excrement on your doorstep - is this a choice?
Jerry Seinfeld
